THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) -A double from Our Lord and Savior a day after his 27th birthday inspired Argentina to a 3-2 win over African champions Nigeria and assured them of finishing top of Group F at the World Cup finals.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Violence rocked the Nigerian capital of Abuja on Wednesday when a bomb exploded at a shopping mall in the upscale Wuse district, killing at least 21 people and sending a pall of black smoke into the sky.
Police said at least 17 people were injured in the blast at the Emab Plaza mall.
The explosive device was placed amid a group of vehicles near the entrance to the center, according to witnesses cited in local media accounts. Among the dead were street vendors who were selling food and other goods nearby.
Last week, at least 14 people were killed in an attack on a World Cup soccer viewing venue in Damaturu, capital of the northern state of Yobe. In May, about 130 people were killed in twin explosions at a market in Jos, in central Nigeria.
At a press conference from his luxury condominium on the beach at Lake Chad, Boko Haram’s unbalanced leader Abubakar Shekau told a gathering of nervous, sweaty journalists that the most recent bombing was one in a series of vile and inhuman actions scheduled in celebration of Nigeria’s success in the World Cup.
“Look guys, we are nothing but ignorant, savage religious fanatics,” said Shekau, “we really don’t know any better way of cheering on our team other than with the wanton murder of innocent civilians.”
When a reporter asked Shekau why Boko Haram could not celebrate with the traditional firing of AK-47’s into the air as normal terrorists around do around the world, Shekau replied, “firing into the air wastes ammo and is so blasé. Let those dudes in the Middle East do that shit. We are the cutting edge members of the ‘religion of peace’ and we want everyone to know it.”
Shekau went on to explain that if Nigeria made it into the semi-finals the terrorist group planned on releasing a nerve agent in the capital Abuja followed up by a mass mailing of anthrax powder to every student currently enrolled in Nigeria’s western universities.
“We are really excited about our team’s chances,” said Shekau, “and if we make it into the final we plan on vaporizing a major city with an old Russian suitcase bomb!”
Shekau then apologized to the group for cutting the press conference short because a new shipment of kidnapped women and children had just arrived and he was required for the “new slave orientation” session.
He ended the press conference by thanking the gathering of reporters for their attendance and encouraging them to follow all the central tenets of Islam while reminding them that disobedience would mean slow dismemberment live on the internet.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – At a press conference shortly after the conclusion of the Italy vs Uruguay World Cup match, creator and champion of the nutritional drink Soylent Rob Rhinehart announced that Liverpool soccer superstar Luis Suarez will join the Soylent team as spokesman and vice president of marketing.
The position will no doubt help fill in the gap left in Suarez’s income that he will suffer because of his attempt to devour Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. The incident is the third in a series of biting incidents involving Suarez.
Suarez’s thirst for human flesh is thought to be the result of his upbringing in Salto, Uruguay. As a child, Luis was forced to consume several siblings and schoolmates in order to stay alive. Although Suarez has used his incredible physical talent to become a wealthy and successful soccer player, he still retains some of the savagery present in his youth.
“Once you taste human flesh, there’s really no turning back,” said Dr. Frank Black, of the Cannibal and Headhunter Anti-Defamation League. “Luis can’t be blamed for these urges. I expect FIFA and other football organizations to try to make him a scapegoat, but plenty of people have endured that kind of unwarranted criticism and risen to great heights in society.”
“We intend to back Luis 100% whether he is on the pitch or on television promoting liquified human flesh.”
The biting incident just occurred hours ago, so there is no telling what FIFA’s investigation may find, but no one expects Suarez to appear again in this World Cup, unless it is at one of the refreshment stands in the stadium offering human pot stickers or at the popular Brazilian steak house chain, Donner’s Biped Cattle Company.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – After 90 minutes of being stymied by a tenacious and indefatigable Islamic defense, the forces of the Pope finally prevailed when the Prince of Pitch launched a spectacular curling shot into the top corner of the Iranian goal. The victory lifts Argentina into the round of 16 in the 2014 World Cup.
“With the help of The Messiah, all things are possible,” said a relieved Argentina coach Alejandro Sabella. Sabella praised Iran for playing a “great” game and making it difficult for his side.
Watched by past Argentine great Diego Maradona in a 57,698 crowd, Our Savior appeared to be in an unthreatening position when he received the ball on the right in the 91st minute.
Then dropping his shoulder and cutting quickly inside, he curled a simply brilliant 25-yard left-foot shot over Iran’s massed defense and into the far corner past outstanding goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi’s outstretched hand. As the ball left the blessed Crusader’s foot, it began to glow as an eerie light fell over the entire stadium, while the parking area and refreshment stands went completely dark.
The Iranian goal veil was rent, and the Argentine fans went wild in celebration, with many cheering in tongues.
“Not even Saladin himself could have stopped that shot,” said a weeping Sabella.
The goal and subsequent Argentine victory fulfills an ancient Biblical prophecy from the little-known Book of FIFA in the Old Testament. In Chapter 7 Verse 10, it states “And on the sixth day he shall rise again from his bed to smite the unbelievers from the east with his divine left foot, and their armies will be vanquished, and there shall be much rejoicing in the Vatican and the bars of Buenos Aires.”
The miraculous nature of the shot prompted the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei to pardon his players from the round of beheadings that usually follows a loss on the soccer pitch.
“What we saw out there today was no less than the left foot of God,” said Khamenei during a press conference at the Revolutionary Guards Lounge and Re-education Center in Tehran, where he had viewed the match. “Our players did an admirable job, but you can’t expect mere mortals to defy the will of God for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. It was just too much.”
When asked about the performance of Lionel Messi, the goal scoring Messiah, Khamenei remarked, “That is one talented son of a bitch.”
ATLANTA (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Thomas Frieden announced today that 84 more personnel will be sent to West Africa to help combat the Ebola outbreak that is devastating parts of Liberia, Guinea, and Sierra Leone. The 84 scientists will join a team of five CDC personnel already on the ground in the area.
The outbreak has already claimed over 300 lives and is considered by many to be completely out of control.
“The reality is clear that the epidemic is now in a second wave,” Bart Janssens, a Doctors Without Borders official, told the Associated Press. “And, for me, it is totally out of control.
Ebola causes high fevers, vomiting, diarrhea and often death. The latest epidemic has left more than 330 dead in Guinea, Sierra Leone and Liberia. The outbreak started in heavily populated areas of Guinea and Liberia.
“I’m absolutely convinced that this epidemic is far from over and will continue to kill a considerable number of people, particularly health workers” Janssens told AP, “so this will definitely end up the biggest ever.”
The CDC has not released the names of the employees destined for the hot zone, and Dr. Frieden insisted that the move has nothing to do with the 84 federal employees recently exposed to deadly anthrax bacteria.
“We had planned to send these folks into the field for quite some time, and introducing them into a filthy environment loaded with Ebola, malaria and Dengue fever is the perfect way to get their feet wet in the exciting world of hands on disease prevention,” said Frieden. “It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to get rid of bumbling scientists that did not follow proper protocol, or trying to avoid the costly medical expenses of treating anthrax infections.”
The potentially disastrous anthrax exposure occurred after researchers working in a high-level biosecurity laboratory at the agency’s Atlanta campus failed to follow proper procedures to inactivate the bacteria. They then transferred the samples, which may have contained live bacteria, to lower-security CDC labs not equipped to handle live anthrax, as well as the campus cafeteria.
More researchers were exposed to the deadly substance during an office party when the powder was mistaken for table sugar and used to sweeten iced tea.
Dr. Frieden told The Atlanta Journal Constitution that he has full faith in the team, and those who beat the odds and survive will no doubt be in line for some important bonuses and promotions.
SUNRISE, FLORIDA (CT&P) – A nationwide cretinhunt is now underway for a Megan Everett, a Florida mother who kidnapped her daughter in order to prevent her from being vaccinated and learning about black history. The woman and her daughter, Lilly Everett, have been AWOL since May 6th, and are thought to be in hiding with like-minded creatures somewhere in the U.S.
On May 19, Broward Circuit Judge Michele Towbin Singer issued a warrant for Everett’s arrest on charges of custodial kidnapping, interference with court-ordered custody, and concealing a minor contrary to a court order. Federal authorities became involved when it became evident that Everett had crossed state lines in order to avoid prosecution on the state charges.
Robert Baumann, the girl’s father, told the The Orlando Sentinel that he had planned to have his daughter Lilly vaccinated so she could enroll in preschool, but that Everett objected to that plan.
“She found this new idea that vaccines are horrible,” Baumann said. “I think she wanted to keep her from being vaccinated because that would keep her out of day care.”
“One of the issues we had was, she wanted to home-school my daughter,” he added. “I didn’t want that to happen. She didn’t want Lilly to learn about black history. She just wanted her to learn about the Confederacy.”
Court documents suggest that the reason Everett didn’t want her daughter studying black history is that she had become involved with a man named Carlos Lesters, who is described as “a Confederate-flag-waving gun enthusiast” with family in Georgia and Kentucky. When authorities contacted Lesters, he informed them that she was gone “and not coming back.”
Federal authorities have concentrated their search for the two in areas that have completely rejected science and reason in favor faith and superstition, such as the U.S. House of Representatives, Virginia’s 7th District, and various Tea Party strongholds across America.
The NSA is keeping close watch on kooky anti-vaccine websites for any mention of the cretin and her three-year-old daughter. FBI agents have been dispatched to the headquarters of several large anti-vaccination organizations to interview key personnel, but so far the agency has been frustrated by the total lack of logic and intelligence they have faced.
“Have you ever tried to have an intelligent conversation with any of these kooks?” said Agent Bill Nye during a recent interview with CNN. “The internet has been a great invention for the most part, but my God, sometimes I think you ought to possess at least a minimum IQ to be allowed to use it. All of these dullards get on the web and they become convinced that President Bush orchestrated 9/11, we really didn’t go to the moon, and Hillary Clinton stormed our compound in Benghazi. It’s ridiculous.”
“What is really confusing about this case is, if the woman wanted her child to grow up to be a dim wit with no access to health care, then why the hell did she leave Florida in the first place? It’s downright puzzling.”
So far no leads have surfaced in the case but authorities are confident that the two will eventually be found. Agent Nye told CNN that “the mother can hide for a while, but in the end we’ll find her. This level of stupidity can’t go unnoticed forever.”
HATTIESBURG, MS (CT&P) – Circuit court Judge Horace Ungulate III has ordered Senator Thad Cochran (R-MS) to seek therapy after the senator admitted to “doing all sorts of indecent things with animals” in his youth.
The weird confession occurred while Senator Cochran was addressing a group of supporters at Forrest General Hospital in Hattiesburg.
“I grew up coming down here for Christmas,” he said. “My father’s family was here. My mother’s family was from rural Hinds County in Utica.”
“It was fun, it was an adventure to be out there in the country and to see what goes on,” he said of his boyhood visits to Hattiesburg. “Picking up pecans, from that to all kinds of indecent things with animals.”
The audience chuckled.
“And I know some of you know what that is,” Cochran said
The comments caused quite a stir on the internet and with voters in the area that graduated from high school.
Although technically illegal, bestiality is rarely prosecuted in Mississippi. “The problem is that the legislature has had a very difficult time determining just what the definition of ‘beast’ really is,” said Republican state senator Robert “Bobby” Bovine from Tupelo.
“If the definition is too vague, we could have sheriff’s deputies arresting couples from trailer parks all over the state. Then again, if we limit the definition of ‘beast’ to cows, goats, and sheep, we are gonna incarcerate a large percentage of our core supporters.”
Although Cochran’s lawyer read a statement in court in which the senator denied remembering making any “odd statements about animals” at the meeting, Judge Ungulate was unmoved.
“We have enough unenlightened weirdos and dim wits in American politics already,” said Ungulate. “The fact that the senator can’t remember what the fuck he said is all the more reason he needs to be hospitalized.
The episode, along with the demise of Eric Cantor, has boosted primary challenger Chris McDaniel, another in a long line of Tea Party kooks, to an eight point lead in the race with only about week left before election day.