SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – In 2010, a federal pilot program was instituted to help feed underprivileged urban and rural kids during the summer months. The goal of the program has been to test alternative approaches to distribute aid when schools are not in session. The program has been operating from an initial appropriation of $85 million. Recently the White House asked for an additional $30 million to continue the effort, but a House bill proposed by a group of “compassionate conservatives” provides only $27 million for what’s described as an entirely new pilot program focused on rural areas only.
At a press conference last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) explained the change of emphasis to reporters.
“As you all know, the modern Republican Party is built on Christian values and an overarching concern and compassion for our least fortunate citizens, particularly minorities and children,” said Boehner.
“We feel that poor urban black and Hispanic kids would be best served by some ‘tough love.’ Paul (Ryan) and I talked it over, and we decided that starving their little black and brown asses over the summer months would teach them some valuable lessons in self-sufficiency and allow them to ‘pull themselves up by the bootstraps’ and learn to make a living on their own without relying on government agencies for help.”
Representative Ryan (R-WI) concurred. “The Bible says: ‘Give a kid a McDonald’s fish sandwich and he is fed for a day, but teach him how to make a fish sandwich at McDonald’s and he will have a subsistence level income for the rest of his life.’ Now who can argue with that logic?”
Ryan continued, “We believe that the method used by the Germans at Leningrad is the best way to alter the tragic cycle of poverty in our inner cities. Instead of spending a bunch of hard-earned money trying to feed and clothe the unfortunates, we intend to starve them out of the cities and make them self-sufficient.”
When asked why poor rural kids would still be receiving the much-needed lunches during the summer months, Boehner replied “Well, all evidence to the contrary, we in the Republican Party are not a bunch of morons, you know. Our loyal base is out there in the countryside. It took us decades to convince poor white folks to vote against their financial interests and we sure as hell don’t want to risk that voting bloc, not with elections coming up.”
Representative Ryan ended the presser by saying, “Look, we aren’t totally heartless. We intend on instituting another program called ‘Siege Supper’ for kids in depressed urban areas. Road kill, collected by their brothers and sisters out in the country, will be shipped in to the inner city so poor minority kids can learn the art of dressing and preparing possums, raccoons, and a variety of rodents that they can trap and eat right there at home. It will be an exercise in volunteerism and charity for the kids out in the middle of nowhere and serve as a valuable lesson in basic survival for the urban poor. It’ll be a win-win for everybody!”
It has not yet been announced when these programs will be put into action, but national guard troops in all fifty states have been ordered to go on alert as of June 1st.