ST AUGUSTINE-Last week Ana Maria Mareta Folch finally had enough of the succession of “sketchy” tenants living in an adjacent trailer in Festering Wound RV Park, located in beautiful Melanoma Beach, Florida. She somehow obtained a key to the offending property and convinced a heavy equipment company to come demolish the trailer and its septic tank with a bulldozer. Since it is much easier to legally destroy property in Florida rather than to construct it, the demolition company obliged her post-haste. The only problem is that Ms Folch did not own the trailer, which is now spread all over the lot along with the malodorous contents of the septic tank.
When the owner of the trailer home arrived to see the results of Ms Folch’s “community cleanup” she promptly called the St. John’s Sheriff’s Department who dispatched deputies to the scene. The unhinged Ms. Folch was arrested and charged with criminal mischief.
Commander Chuck Mulligan told reporters that, “It’s difficult to understand what goes through people’s heads when they concoct these schemes. I’ve been in law enforcement 27 years and back in the ‘good old days’ we used to have more simple and straightforward crimes to deal with. Nowadays these idiots run around cooking up all sorts of weird scenarios along with their conspiracy theories and their methamphetamine. Florida used to be a nice place to live, but in the past twenty years or so, it seems that everyone in the country with an “L” stamped on his forehead has moved in. Thank God I only have three more years before retirement.”
Ms Folch was unrepentant about the entire thing. “I did the neighborhood a great service. That bitch has been renting that trailer out to all types of wing nuts and freaks since she bought the thing back in 2006. The most recent group of nutballs flagrantly ignored the CC&R’s by playing classical music and jazz all day long and having philosophical discussions on their deck after dinner. If I ever hear another debate on existentialism I’ll go insane. One idiot read the entire text of Fear and Trembling to a group of college students over the Easter holiday. If anyone ever mentions Soren Kierkegaard to me again I’ll beat the shit out of him! Either/Or, Neither/Nor my ass!”
Ms Folch has been released on $10,000 bond and is currently awaiting trial in her 1985 29-foot Puma Travelmaster. She told reporters for the St. Augustine Daily News that “I’m sure I’ll be found innocent, but if I have to pay for the trailer, so be it. If they don’t like me around here I’ve heard that they have some beautiful spots available at Running Sore Estates over in Syphilis Springs. At least over there they are Cartesians and not constantly overcome with angst like the losers who live here. I’m sick of this dump anyway. It’s damn depressing to hear people quoting Kafka and Dostoevsky all day long. I mean, Jesus!“