THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference this morning White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Veteran’s Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki has been arrested and condemned. According to Carney, Shinseki will be executed on June 6th as part of the annual observance of the D-Day invasion of 1944.
Carney told journalists that Shinseki made President Obama’s infamous “kill list” late last week after it became apparent that the V.A. scandal was not going to simply blow over.
Shinseki, now considered an enemy of the state, was dragged from his bed in the early hours of the morning, stripped naked, and transported to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation regarding his failures to get V.A. wait times and medical care updated to at least the medieval level. The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden to see if he has any records in his possession that would help “frame up” Shinseki and place most of the blame on him for the deplorable state of affairs over at the V.A.
The Obama Administration has been under intense pressure from both sides of the aisle over the latest in a series of reports that indicate that the V.A. is being run “like a field hospital during the Crimean War.”
Carney told journalists that President Obama was “irritated, outraged, nauseated, upset, irked, troubled, and disturbed by the report, and Shinseki seemed like the appropriate scapegoat given the current situation.”
Other administration officials were equally perturbed. Secretary of State John Kerry broke out in hives and suffered from projectile vomiting upon reading the report, which he termed “Kafkaesque.” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell is said to be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome and dysentery after reviewing the situation. After he read the report Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel had multiple seizures and had to be hospitalized. (In a private facility in outside Arlington)
Republican response was similar. Speaker of the House John Boehner broke down and sobbed during a session of Congress today and had to be assisted by aides to his favorite Georgetown pub, The Right Winger. Senator Ted Cruz expressed his outrage by spinning his head around 360 degrees while spewing pea soup a la Linda Blair. Representative Michele Bachman called a quick press conference and demanded action saying “Our brave Civil War veterans deserve better treatment than this.”
Carney told reporters that the sacrifice of General Shinseki was regrettable but necessary in order to deflect blame from the president and make it appear that the White House was actually doing something about the problems at the V.A. “The real problem we have here is that we just can’t stop these damn leaks,” said Carney. “That fucking report should never have been made public. We were just observing a time-honored tradition in this country of treating veterans like pig shit and then some moron has to let that report leak out. It’s unforgivable, and I’m afraid Eric has to pay the price.”
General Shinseki’s method of execution has not yet been decided. Some within the administration are pushing a plan for a public crucifixion on Capitol Hill that would last for hours and allow the general public to file by and enjoy the spectacle. Others prefer a simple gun shot to the back of the head down at Gitmo after which Shinseki would be fed to the hungry sharks circling the facility waiting for the next terrorist corpse. However, it seems probable that considering General Shinseki’s long record of serving his country he will at least be given the honor of a firing squad.
Currently Shinseki is being water-boarded around the clock in order to ascertain just what the hell he knew and when he knew it. So far no pertinent information has been garnered, but CIA interrogators told Newsweek that is not unusual at all during the first few days of questioning, because it’s hard to understand a drowning man.
Carney told journalists that everything should be back to normal by this time next year and veterans could expect to receive the same shitty care they always have at the V.A. He also emphasized that by the time the next generation of young male cannon fodder reaches the age of 18 all this will be a distant memory and the kids will no doubt jump at the chance to participate in the next senseless bloody conflict the old men in Washington conjure up.