CARSON CITY (CT&P) – Sociologist, constitutional law scholar, and talented orator Cliven Bundy addressed loyal followers across the nation and fawning fans at Fox News yesterday in a rambling, bigoted, and mostly incoherent press conference held just within the border of his newly established nation, “Bunkerville.”
During the speech, Bundy said he remembered driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, which he called a “government house” with “always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch” with nothing to do. Bundy went on to say that “them Negras abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton.” Bundy also mused, “I’ve often wondered,are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”
The intellectual powerhouse Bundy apparently thinks that there is some kind of loophole in the law that allows “young children” to be retroactively aborted and that young black men are placed in prison by their own families, and all this sorrow could be averted with a little agricultural training.”
“All of you good folks know how much I value freedom and liberty, as long as it’s white trash ranchers who are on the receiving end of it. It’s a shame that the government don’t understand that Messicans and Negras just don’t possess the intelligence to be responsible Americans like us.”
Mr. Bundy went on to express his sadness that the “good ‘ole days” of segregation, the Spanish Inquisition, the Black Death, and Salvadorian death right-wing death squads ever had to come to an end.
The speech was hailed as a landmark policy speech for his fledgling country and cretins from all over America are still flooding into the area.
Right wing politicians however, had a slightly different take on the event and have been rapidly distancing themselves from Bundy. The nations most intelligent prognosticators (line setters in Vegas) predict that Bundy’s support will wither and die over the next few weeks, leaving him alone in the veld except for a few inbred relatives and a dozen or so surviving tortoises.
There is hope for Bundy however. Word has it that he has been offered an anchor job with Fox News, taking the time slot just after Megyn Kelly every night. The only problem with this scenario is that someone is going to have to figure out how to get Sean Hannity’s lips pried away from Bundy’s prodigious ass long enough for him to appear on television.