SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – On his ‘700 Club’ show earlier this week the Right Reverend Pat Robertson warned viewers that the earth could be destroyed as soon as “next week” and that everyone should “Get right and stay right with the Lord.”
Pat was reacting to the announcement on Tuesday by the B612 Foundation that large asteroid strikes are much more common than was once thought. The foundation, a group dedicated to preventing a strike by a planet-killing rock, revealed data that since 2001 at least 26 asteroids have caused explosions in the atmosphere as large as an atomic bomb.
Upon hearing this disturbing news, Pat immediately went into self promotion/Armageddon doomsayer mode. “I wrote a book, I wrote a book. It’s called ‘The End of the Age’ and it deals with an asteroid hitting the Earth,” Robertson said on his show. “I don’t see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ other than an asteroid strike. There isn’t anything that will cause the seas to roil, that will cause the skies to darken, the moon and the sun not to give their light, the nations terrified on Earth saying ‘what’s happening?'”
Robertson concluded the segment by saying, “It could be next week, or it could be a 1,000 years from now, but nevertheless we want to be ready at whatever time the Lord says ‘I’m wrapping it up, it’s time to come home.'”
According to the unbalanced and downright creepy Reverend Robertson, this latest weapon in the Lord’s diverse and ever-growing arsenal will apparently be some kind of divine “doomsday rock” hurled by the angry deity directly at our unfortunate planet.
We at the Times wanted to dig deeper into the story so we contacted our source for all things divine, the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel spoke via Skype to our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.
“That dude is out of his fucking mind as usual,” said a mildly agitated Gabriel. “He runs around yelling ‘God did this and God did that,’ and says ‘God is punishing the Haitians for voodoo’ and all this other crap. Hell, he’s predicted the end of the world so many times it makes your head spin around like Linda Blair’s.”
“Take it from me, and I should know, Pat Robertson would not know God’s wrath if it came up and bit him on the ass.”
Gabriel continued, “If the Old Man wanted to smite the earth, he’d do it the old-fashioned way. He’d just send me or Mike down to turn your cities into smoldering ruins and you talking monkeys into pillars of salt.”
“I don’t know where he gets all these ridiculous ideas, unless it’s some sort of hype to sell his books. If the dude really wants to prepare for the imminent destruction of earth and truly ‘get right with Jesus’ he better start taking Pope Francis’ advice and divest some of his billion-dollar empire to the poor and hungry instead of buying $500,00 thoroughbreds.”
“One thing that really irritates me about you guys in your sagging skin suits is that you will believe any bullshit that some cretin spouts on television or radio. If a group of eminent scientists tells you that there is an asteroid threat it seems logical to me that you should spend a few bucks on figuring out how to stop the damn things before you have a planetary barbecue on your hands. But no, instead you talking monkeys want to cower in some church to wail and gnash your teeth instead.”
“It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t listen to some freak with a microphone, use the brains God gave you instead, you idiots!”
At that point “The Coyote” thanked Gabriel for his insight and ended the interview because the easily irritated Gabriel has been known to immolate innocent bystanders on a whim.
There is a silver lining to all this doom and gloom. Ed Lu, along with fellow ex-astronauts Tom Jones and Bill Anders, has been attempting to develop a better asteroid early warning system, the Sentinel Infrared Space Telescope. The telescope will work by scanning the sky in infrared, which will allow it to calculate the trajectory and velocity of asteroids. It is hoped in the future we will at least be able to detect every planet or city-killer that might be on a collision course with earth.
There is no word yet on whether or not Robertson will contribute to the cause of preventing a devastating asteroid strike. More than likely he’ll just purchase another potential Kentucky Derby winner instead while at the same time warning the faithful of God’s wrath over gay marriage.