SAN DIEGO (CT&P) – Highly trained units of the 9th Marine Mammals Special Forces Brigade began preparations for deployment yesterday as part of a U.S. Navy buildup in the Black Sea. The elite unit consists of several platoons of mine-laying bottle-nosed dolphin, squads of cute but deadly sea-lion underwater assassins, legions of Humbolt squid (prized for their ability to mask underwater movement), and a wing of malevolent sting rays, who can slip in under Russian sonar coverage to wreak havoc along the beaches of the Crimea.
At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Lieutenant Commander Philip Francis Queeg and Admiral William Bligh told assembled journalists that deployment of the brigade was essential to a winning strategy if we eventually are faced with armed conflict with the Russians.
“We’re putting everything we have into this effort,” said Commander Queeg, as he rattled a couple of steel ball bearings in his right hand. “We’ve sent the guided missile destroyer U.S.S. Buttplug, and the cruiser Mary Celeste to the region to bolster our presence in theater, and more ships are in route. Tomorrow, the 9th Marine Mammals will board a cargo vessel designed by world-renowned engineer and partying Highlander Montgomery Scott. They will disembark at an undisclosed location along the Black Sea coast. From there they will begin patrols.”
When asked by reporters why the navy felt it necessary to include the elite mammals in the buildup, Admiral Bligh said “Look, the army can’t be involved in this because the “brown Muslim only” kill policy put in place by the Bush administration is still in effect. The air force is scared of its own shadow and wouldn’t think about putting any of its expensive planes at risk. Hell, they were terrified at the thought of taking on Syria, much less the Russians. So as usual, the navy gets stuck with the really tough missions, and we need all the forces we can muster.”
At that point Commander Queeg interjected, “To be completely honest the air force did offer us some drones, but their pilots are so nervous and jittery from all those long hours of staring at sand that they would be just as likely to blow up some Cossack wedding party as a Russian patrol boat. Besides, we have our own drones.”
Meanwhile, the scenes around Sea World’s secret hunter-killer facility outside San Diego were somber and heart-wrenching as trainers and loved ones bid farewell to the brave warriors. It took several hours to disengage one squid’s wife from her husband, Staff Sergeant Freddie Calamari, who leads a locally-recruited platoon nicknamed the Humbolt Inkers.
Although the brigade has been in constant training for many years, this will mark the first time they will face real combat. It will be a classic case of brains verses brawn, as the Russians employ a massive army of mackerel and whitefish cannon fodder. Everyone is hoping and praying that the superior firepower and savvy of the U.S. Navy and its dangerous denizens of the deep will prevail.
The Joint Chiefs expressed extreme confidence in the troops. “I mean after all, you can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand underwater tactics like some of our mammals do,” said Admiral Bligh.