OCALA (CT&P) – Chrystal Hassell and Vincent Terry started out their “getaway” vacation just like any other happy Florida couple would, with a pocketful of primo rock and an economy sized bucket of Astroglide. They even purchased two brand new crack pipes and a windproof lighter for the occasion. What they did not take into account was the imminent birth of their second zygote. They also did not take into account that they are both moronic idiots.
The unfortunate Ms Hassell was arrested last week at the Mephistopheles Motor Inn after giving birth to something during a particularly long and gratifying binge while her mate Mr. Terry was out scouring the landscape for supplies. The quick-thinking and practical Hassell used her five remaining teeth to sever the umbilical cord and get on with the business at hand, reloading the pipe.
Ms Hassell’s 11-month-old son Damien, the product of another supernatural event, entertained himself by playfully levitating razor-sharp kitchen knives around the motel room while all this was going on.
“I didn’t want a trivial event such as giving birth to kill my excellent buzz, and I knew Damien could more than take care of himself,” Hassell told Randal “if it bleeds it leads” McMurphy, of Ocala’s WPBF. “I mean, do you know how hard it is to find good rock nowadays? We stockpiled that shit for weeks before checking in to the motel.”
Her mate, Mr. Terry, was also arrested on a warrant out of Colorado where he is wanted for a few minor infractions including but not limited to domestic violence, violation of probation, and attempted murder. He is currently being held in the Marion County Jail along with his soul mate Ms Hassell.
In a separate interview Terry stated that they had both used drugs and spawned new species in the past, but never at the same time. “This is a new experience for both of us,” said Terry. “We really did not know Chrystal was pregnant. I mean, she felt movement in her abdomen but we both thought it was just worms. When I got back from the Dollar Store I was as surprised as she was that I was gonna be a dad again!”
Mr. Terry is also the sire of Ms Hassell’s first male progeny, Damien, who is only a yearling. Ms Hassell also has a 16-year-old daughter nicknamed “Carrie” for her ability to scan the minds of those around her and make them acquiesce to her malevolent schemes. Her exact location is unknown at this time, but she was last seen entering the Everglades riding on the back of an eleven-foot-long alligator.
Throughout the whole ordeal the loving couple have managed to keep a sunny and optimistic outlook on the future.
When queried by reporters Mr. Terry said “Of course we’re staying together. My brood is here, and I don’t care if they are ‘special needs’ kids. The Good Lord taught us to love our kids regardless of their alien origins.”
A spokesman from the Marion County Sheriff’s Department told our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the Department of Children’s Services will do their best to keep the family unit intact. “We really don’t have much choice in the matter,” said Corporal Frank “Bat” Guano. “Even as screwed up as people are down here I don’t think we could find anyone dumb enough to foster this crew.”