SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – The Easter Bunny collapsed from exhaustion as she made her final deliveries in the Washington D.C. area early this morning. She was immediately rushed to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland where she is said to be resting comfortably after being given a liberal dose of Xanax for her nerves.
A spokesman for the hospital told a gaggle of reporters that the Bunny, who’s first name is Alice, had endured “a particularly stressful Easter season” and that “it all just became too much to bear.” The spokesman said that Alice wanted all the kids on her final route to rest assured they would get their eggs. Emergency calls have been placed to Paris via the U.N. and backup flying French “Easter Bells” were taking up the slack.
The 2014 Easter season has been a particularly stressful one for Alice for a variety of reasons. As everyone knows, she is a part-time employee and is not eligible to receive health insurance from her employer. In the past few years the cost of insurance has risen so precipitously that Alice finally had to sell her hutch and move into a warren in order to make ends meet. To make matters worse, she missed the Obamacare sign-up deadline because of a computer glitch, so she has had to make appearances and gather eggs while being uninsured.
Her stress level shot up immensely when she was lured into an appearance with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News early last week. O’Reilly’s other guests were the Reverend Donald Wildmon of the American Family Organization and Dan Barker, co-founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Alice “Easter” Bunny, who has consistently claimed that she is strictly nondenominational, was caught in a crossfire between the two adversaries as both demanded that she take sides in the debate.
“That was the last bedding straw,” said the hospital spokesman. “I don’t think her tender psyche could take any more, and the stress just got the best of her this morning. However, we expect her to make a full recovery and she should be ‘fit as a fiddle’ for next Easter, so the kids shouldn’t worry about getting their fair share of tooth-rotting, diabetes-inducing chocolate rabbit figurines in the future. As for this year, we have full confidence that those weird French flying bells will complete her route around D.C.”