CARSON CITY (CT&P) – Citing “Manifest Destiny” and water rights supposedly established by distant relatives who passed through the southwest over 200 years ago in route to a small tavern in southern California, rancher and constitutional law scholar Cliven Bundy announced plans to claim the State of Arizona and the bulk of Northern Mexico as grazing land for his cattle.
Bundy and other ranchers have been in a twenty year battle with the Bureau of Land Management, a federal agency, over grazing rights in protected areas. Bundy has consistently claimed that he and others have “God-given” rights to graze their cattle wherever they damn well please because their ancestors were on the land before the area became part of the United States.
In fact, Bundy and his allies do not recognize the United States government at all and refer to it as a “foreign power.”
Bundy owes more than one million dollars in fines and grazing fees to the feds for allowing his wandering ungulates to tramp through lands set aside as habitat for the endangered desert tortoise.
During a weekend standoff federal law enforcement officers had the good sense to back off and not make martyrs of any of Bundy’s well-educated supporters.
Following in the footsteps of famous patriot and fellow rancher Saddam Hussein, Bundy had placed women and children in strategic areas around “Bunkerville” so that if any shooting started they would be the first casualties.
Scores of semiliterate dimwits with assault rifles and pitchforks milled about or took up sniping positions on overpasses or behind cardboard boxes full of survivalist pamphlets.
Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) railed against the cretinous cabal at a ‘Hashtags and Headlines’ event at the Paris Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas on Wednesday.
“There were hundreds, hundreds of people from around the country that came there,” Reid said. “They had sniper rifles in the freeway. They had weapons, automatic weapons. They had children lined up. They wanted to make sure they got hurt first … What if others tried the same thing?”
Senator Reid made sure his opinion on the matter was clear. He said that Bundy and his supporters were “Nothing more than domestic terrorists,” adding, “I repeat: what happened there was domestic terrorism.”
As federal and state authorities consolidated their ring around “Bunkerville” yesterday, Bundy, who fancies himself a modern-day Samuel Adams, responded to all the criticism from the feds.
At a hastily called press conference held outside an old Winnebago parked under an interstate overpass, Bundy told reporters, “We are gonna take back the land that is rightfully ours. We don’t recognize the legitimacy of any federal, state, or local government and they can’t tell us what to do with our bovines. We were here first, well, except for them Injuns, and they don’t count ’cause they ain’t white. We are gonna raise an army of like-minded folks from around the country to fight for our freedom to do whatever the fuck we want with our cows, and that includes night-time rendezvous!”
Bundy continued, “We thought about annexing New Mexico instead of Arizona, but we really like Arizona’s Anti-Faggot Laws. Them lawmakers in Arizona is some folks we can work with. Anyway, I’ve done put out a call for every militia and right-wing nutball organization from here to Canada to come and lend a hand. Ain’t no way we’re gonna lose this one!”
Indeed, morons from all over the United States have been pouring into Nevada for reasons other than squandering their cash in Vegas. Members of the well-known white supremacist groups the “Ignorant Rebel Shitheads of Northern Florida” and the “White Trash Neo Nazis of Lower Mississippi” have both pledged platoons of eager dullards to be used as cannon fodder for the cause.
Of course no one knows how the current situation will play out or if Bundy will raise enough troops to be able to tackle the Arizona National Guard, much less the Mexican army. However, it seems that at least the Obama Administration is showing more wisdom than Clinton and Reno did when faced with similar situations in the 1990’s. So far patience and restraint have been the watchwords for the federal authorities.
A spokesman for the administration told us that “Although very few people other than Glenn Beck’s audience would cry over these idiots, we really don’t want another ‘barbecue de crétins’ on our hands. We’ve already got too much to deal with around here.”
So far the only response to the crisis from Bundy’s main rival group, the AARDT (American Association of Retired Desert Tortoises) came from Yertle, a 76-year-old tortoise currently living in Reno. “We tortoises had to deal with that moron and his friends for most of my life. It’s about time the feds did something about his idiot cattle roaming all over the place like lost sheep. I don’t know what will happen, but I want to make one thing abundantly clear to the people of America: WE DO NOT EAT COW SHIT.”