SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – If one abides by the simple rules and regulations I set out in the following memo, one can become a successful and prosperous real estate agent and live the good life, free of the headaches involved with a 9-5 job. Enjoy!
Rule Number One: Get your real estate license from the cheapest school you can find. Don’t waste time learning a bunch of rules and regulations that will probably never come into play. Remember, a ham sandwich could get a license if it studied for the test the night before. Everyone and their brother has one. Rely on your ruthless cunning and intimidation tactics to make your sales. Leave real estate law for the lawyers.
Rule Number Two: Never trust buyers, sellers, brokers, bankers, mortgage companies, home inspectors, surveyors, and most of all, never trust other real estate agents. Remember, they are all out to cut your percentage and pocket your hard-earned cash. You are the one that has to tolerate idiots drooling in your car and dragging you all over the fucking city looking for a perfect place to live. To hell with them and the infants they bring along for the ride while you are trying to conduct business. Watch everyone you deal with like a hawk and triple check all the paperwork. Always be alert because some bastard will stab you in the back if let your guard down for an instant.
Rule Number Three: Never try to subdue a housewife with a real estate license. No species on earth is more vicious and conniving. Honey badgers have been known to flee in abject panic at the approach of a Tuesday open house caravan. The bodies of special forces veterans and other tough guys lie strewn in the wake of women intent on closing deals. Don’t mess with them. Exception: If you are a homosexual male and have been in the business for several years, go for it. You are more than a match for Ethel, mother of three and part-time agent.
Rule Number Four: Play fast and loose with the rules and regulations concerning home mortgages. Pickup a used copy of Forgery for Dummies from Amazon marketplace and help potential buyers commit fraud on all types of applications. It will pay off with big commission checks and it normally takes years for the Feds to lumber into action. By that time you’ll be living it up in a small town on the Mexican coast.
Rule Number Five: Always visit properties on your own before taking potential buyers to see them. This will help you avoid taking unwitting potential purchasers on perilous and hair-raising journeys nine miles up a crumbling mountainous dirt and gravel logging road with a precipitous cliff on one side and unstable two-ton boulders clinging precariously to the slope looming to your right. If you don’t check out the cabin ahead of time, you are apt to find what looks like a prospector’s shack with a tombstone in the front yard and a master bathroom located within the master bedroom for the owner’s convenience. Try to go through all the current MLS listings and cross-off your list all of these undesirable “Serial Killer’s Delights.”
If you memorize these five simple and useful tips I have great confidence that you will become the biggest seller for your brokerage and be the star of the show! Enjoy your retirement in the Cayman Islands or within the confines of a local state correctional facility.