Right Wing Pastor And Lunatic Mark Blitz Says God Has His Hands Full

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Ominous “blood moon” is said to be a sign from God concerning Israel’s property rights, easements, and stern warning not to change the CC&Rs or traffic laws of the Middle East. Blitz did not explain why God simply did not make a phone call or send a memo.

SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – Yesterday pastor and well-known insane person Mark Blitz stopped in at World Net Daily, a prominent right-wing website dedicated to all manner of reactionary causes. A veritable black hole of ignorance, World Net Daily will go to any lengths to criticize and deride anything even remotely associated with the Obama (Satan) Administration.

Blitz told WND that the recent “blood moon” is a direct communication from God to Barack Obama concerning ongoing efforts to broker a Middle East peace agreement. “God has more than a ‘pen and a phone in his hand,'” said Blitz, referring to President Obama’s statement earlier this year in which he complained about Congressional obstructionism.

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Pastor Mark “Bulbous” Blitz insisted to WND that President Obama was violating all manner of celestial traffic laws and was driving the “SUV of state” like a drunken teenager

“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations that they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3500 years ago that the Creator backs up what he says,” said Blitz.

Blitz continued, “Pharaoh jaywalked across a divine thoroughfare and was fined by God. It was the culmination of a series of misdemeanors committed against the Children of Israel and God finally had enough. When God laid down the traffic laws (consisting of a bewildering array of 23,590 different speed limits and other ordinances designed to prevent congestion and bottlenecks) he meant what he said.”

“Anyone who doubts what I am telling you can look it up. The entire set of ordinances can be found in the Book of Transportation under the little known 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Not Park In Handicapped Zones Without A Sticker,'” said Blitz.

“Like Pharaoh the leaders and pundits of today will realize that the Creator has more than a pen and a phone in his hand,” said Blitz. “The Creator has a phone, a stylish Montblanc Rubber Starwalker fountain pen, an extra-large book of tickets, a window washer, and nine millimeter handgun (for Florida residents) in his hands. In fact, God’s hands are absolutely full!’

When asked by WND news anchor Robert Nescient why an all-powerful God could not simply speak to Mr. Obama directly or just solve the Middle East problems by waving his recently filled hands around, Blitz looked incredulous.

“That’s just not how God works, you idiot. The Creator works in mysterious ways, just like the Atlanta City Council. He uses eclipses, comets, earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis to deliver confusing and muddled messages to the people of earth. He relies on his chosen interpreters such as myself to decipher all his divine gobbledygook. People should really pay attention to me and take heed of what I am saying. I have to remind my wife of it all the time,” Blitz chuckled.

Pastor Blitz promised to Mr. Nescient that he would come back on the show in about a month and decipher the Creator’s upcoming message contained within the Perseid meteor shower in August. It is rumored that God is pissed off about the Affordable Care Act and will be threatening another worldwide flood if it is not repealed.

 

 

 

“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3,500 years ago that the Creator backs up what He says.
– See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/worldnetdaily-says-lunar-eclipse-was-divine-warning-obama#sthash.MblM6IoS.dpuf
“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3,500 years ago that the Creator backs up what He says.
– See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/worldnetdaily-says-lunar-eclipse-was-divine-warning-obama#sthash.MblM6IoS.dpuf

2 thoughts on “Right Wing Pastor And Lunatic Mark Blitz Says God Has His Hands Full

  1. Any truth to the rumor that the CC&R committee from the Scorched Earth Society may be meeting on top of huckleberry for the persieds this year?

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