SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – A Santa Rosa Beach woman has been arrested and charged with the senseless murder of millions of innocent bacteria and viruses in what one law enforcement official called a “Rwandan-style genocide of one-celled organisms.” Apparently Charlene Dickerson took advantage of her son’s brief absence from the home this week to carry out a systematic cleaning and sanitizing blitzkrieg of Biblical proportions.
“It went on day and night,” said one neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous. “I’ve never seen anything like it. You could hear the vacuum running from dawn until well into the night. My heart goes out to all those poor little creatures lying under that barrage of sanitation.”
Deputy Billy Bob McSneed, who was first to arrive at the scene, said “It was a like a scene out of Apocalypse Now. Flagella, cytoplasmic membranes, and ribosomes were spread all over the place. I had to scrape endoplasmic reticulum off by boots on the way out of the house. It was horrific.”
Relatives of the accused stated that this was not anything unusual and the same activity had been going on for years. However, with her spawn out-of-town, apparently things just got out of control. “She just went over the edge,” said Kathy McDuffie, Mrs. Dickerson’s, daughter. “I think she just wanted to take advantage of my slob brother’s absence and things just got out of hand.”
Mrs. Dickerson is currently being held in a “clean room” last used by NASA to quarantine returning astronauts in the 1970’s. Officials say that it is for her own mental well-being and she will be offered bail at an appropriate time, if she chooses to leave the heavenly environment.