YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone told reporters this morning that Yellowstone bison were “tickled and a little bemused” by all the attention that a short video of themselves was getting on the internet. The video went viral early last week and has caused a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth by tens of thousands of weak-minded alarmists around the globe.
The video was said to depict members of the subfamily Bovidae fleeing the confines of Yellowstone for the relative safety of Cody, Wyoming and Gardiner, Montana. The reason given for the “Buffalo Exodus” in the video was that the bovines had somehow divined the imminent doom of the park and a large portion of the United States at the hands of a super volcano.
Visitors to the park as well as thousands of idiots around the globe phoned park officials to voice their concerns over the situation and seek instructions in the event that they should suddenly find themselves covered with red hot toxic ash. Kooky survivalists and wacked-out Bible prophets added to the aggravation by posting videos of their own predicting impending apocalypse and the end of civilization as we know it.
Park officials were quick to point out that the four-legged “steaks on the hoof” were actually running deeper into the park, not fleeing it for other environs. “It was a spring-like day and they were frisky. Contrary to online reports, it’s a natural occurrence and not the end of the world,” said Amy Bartlett, a spokeswoman for the park.
The park sits atop an ancient volcano whose caldera is roughly 50 miles long and 30 miles wide. However, since every scrap of scientific evidence points towards another eruption tens of thousands of years in the future and not tomorrow night, it seems we have little to worry about.
“The chance of that happening in our lifetime is exceedingly insignificant,” said Peter Cervelli, associate director of science and technology at the U.S. Geological Survey’s Volcano Science Center in California.
Despite the best efforts of park officials, scientists, and sane people to quell the abject panic, the video continues to alarm dolts and dimwits across America and the world.
The bison themselves find the whole situation laughable. “You humans are so fucking gullible,” said Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate, a spokesman for the Ungulates Society and friends with the herd that carried out the prank. Those guys just saw some cars passing by and thought it would be fun to get down on the highway and raise a little hell. They had no idea that it would cause such a ruckus,” said Ungulate. “It was all Freddie Wisent’s idea. He’s from Europe originally and has a weird sense of humor. He’s always jerking the tourists around by break-dancing around Old Faithful in a Speedo and acting silly in front of the kids. Freddie is a real clown if there ever was one. He never takes anything seriously.”