WASHINGTON-As hopes fade for ever locating and recovering Michele Bachmann’s mind, a team of experts is analyzing data from a variety of sources in order to chart the rapid deterioration of her prefrontal cortex. The team hopes that by doing this a reasonable hypothesis can be made as to the cause of Bachmann’s erratic course and irrational flights of fancy.
The team of distinguished scientists and physicians from Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey specializes in assessing brain damage and degenerative mental disorders. It is focusing its efforts on analyzing appearances made by Bachmann over the last few weeks on Fox as well as legitimate news outlets.
“The data strongly indicates that Representative Bachmann is suffering from the progressive deterioration of her higher mental function,” said Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team. “You can clearly see that she has little or no ability left to reason or comprehend anything above a sixth grade level. In fact, it appears her body is being sustained by the primitive parts of her brain such as the cerebellum and spinal cord. Her frontal lobes are almost completely shut down,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Right now, Michele Bachmann is little more than an oversized bipedal lizard. I guess you could call her a ‘Jesus Lizard,'” he chuckled.
Dr. John Small Berries, a well-known brain surgeon and expert in inter-dimensional time travel, told our reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the team has been tracking a series of “ghostly pings”originating from Bachmann’s medulla oblongata that are apparently meant to communicate with her prefrontal cortex. “According to our data, Bachmann’s brain functions have shut down one-by-one over a period of several years. Whether these actions were self-inflicted or the result of some terrorist act on the part of the left-wing of the Democrat party is totally unknown,” said Small Berries.
Dr. John Yaya, another member of the team from Yoyodyne, told “The Coyote” that “We really have no clue at this time just where in the hell Bachmann’s mind is at. It could be anywhere from the jungles of Vietnam to somewhere at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. It’s a real mystery.”
Dr. Bigboote told our earstwhile reporter that time is running out for finding and recovering Bachmann’s aimlessly wandering mind. “We are analyzing new data the minute it comes in, but we can’t expect Bachmann’s brain stem to last too much longer. The information we could recover from her memory banks could go a long way in explaining her inane remarks and asinine actions on the floor of the House, but if the ‘battery life’ on her neural ‘black box’ runs out, we’re basically fucked.”