Aeronautic Shocker! Drones To Be Used To Do Something Constructive!


NAIROBI (CT&P) – In a remarkable turn of events, drones are apparently going  be used to do something other than recruit new terrorists, spot illegal growers of the “Evil Weed,” and incinerate Yemeni wedding parties.

Kenyan government officials have announced that drones will be deployed in all 52 of its national parks in an attempt to monitor and stop poachers from murdering innocent elephants and rhinos.

The announcement came after a pilot drone project was concluded in which poaching was reduced by 96% in an unnamed protected wildlife area.

Paul Udoto, spokesman for the Kenya Wildlife Service, said: “Use of drones has shown that we can prevent poaching and arrest many poachers in their tracks. The pilot project has been a success and we are working with many partners including the Kenya police, the National Intelligence Service, and a lot of international partners such as Interpol, and the Ugandan and Tanzanian governments.”

Kenya has lost more than 435 elephants and around 400 rhinos to poachers since 2012, driven by demand for illegal wildlife products by bat shit crazy people in Asia and elsewhere. Poachers have killed 18 rhinos and 51 elephants in 2014 so far.

This is one instance where we at the Times think that no one in their right mind would object to using fully armed drones instead of the surveillance models the Kenyan government is set to employ. Blowing a few poachers to “Kingdom Come” would no doubt go a long way in curbing the urge to go out and make few bucks by using a chain saw to remove a rhino horn and leaving the corpse to be eaten by hyenas. Hellfire missiles can be a great deterrent if the object of the deterrence does not have a mind consumed by religious hatred.

At least the Kenyans have come up with a righteous use of those horrible inventions. Thank God someone on this miserable planet has got the good sense to use technology in a productive way. Maybe the U.S. government should hire some Kenyan bureaucrats to replace those currently on the payroll. Maybe the new employees could use surveillance drones to prevent sheriff’s deputies from murdering family pets. That would be a good start.



Biblical Scholar And Renowned Astronomer Pat Robertson Warns Armageddon Imminent…Again


SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – On his ‘700 Club’ show earlier this week the Right Reverend Pat Robertson warned viewers that the earth could be destroyed as soon as “next week” and that everyone should “Get right and stay right with the Lord.”

Pat was reacting to the announcement on Tuesday by the B612 Foundation that large asteroid strikes are much more common than was once thought. The foundation, a group dedicated to preventing a strike by a planet-killing rock, revealed data that since 2001 at least 26 asteroids have caused explosions in the atmosphere as large as an atomic bomb.

Upon hearing this disturbing news, Pat immediately went into self promotion/Armageddon doomsayer mode. “I wrote a book, I wrote a book. It’s called ‘The End of the Age’ and it deals with an asteroid hitting the Earth,” Robertson said on his show. “I don’t see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ other than an asteroid strike. There isn’t anything that will cause the seas to roil, that will cause the skies to darken, the moon and the sun not to give their light, the nations terrified on Earth saying ‘what’s happening?'”


Pat Robertson, here seen having a minor CVA while plugging one of his books, has long been a voice of doom and gloom on television and radio

Robertson concluded the segment by saying, “It could be next week, or it could be a 1,000 years from now, but nevertheless we want to be ready at whatever time the Lord says ‘I’m wrapping it up, it’s time to come home.'”

According to the unbalanced and downright creepy Reverend Robertson, this latest weapon in the Lord’s diverse and ever-growing arsenal will apparently be some kind of divine “doomsday rock” hurled by the angry deity directly at our unfortunate planet.

We at the Times wanted to dig deeper into the story so we contacted our source for all things divine, the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel spoke via Skype to our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“That dude is out of his fucking mind as usual,” said a mildly agitated Gabriel. “He runs around yelling ‘God did this and God did that,’ and says ‘God is punishing the Haitians for voodoo’ and all this other crap. Hell, he’s predicted the end of the world so many times it makes your head spin around like Linda Blair’s.”

“Take it from me, and I should know, Pat Robertson would not know God’s wrath if it came up and bit him on the ass.”

Gabriel continued, “If the Old Man wanted to smite the earth, he’d do it the old-fashioned way. He’d just send me or Mike down to turn your cities into smoldering ruins and you talking monkeys into pillars of salt.”

“I don’t know where he gets all these ridiculous ideas, unless it’s some sort of hype to sell his books. If the dude really wants to prepare for the imminent destruction of earth and truly ‘get right with Jesus’ he better start taking Pope Francis’ advice and divest some of his billion-dollar empire to the poor and hungry instead of buying $500,00 thoroughbreds.”


The Archangel Gabriel becomes agitated at the mere mention of Robertson’s name. Gabriel does not like false prophets and despises pansies.

“One thing that really irritates me about you guys in your sagging skin suits is that you will believe any bullshit that some cretin spouts on television or radio. If a group of eminent scientists tells you that there is an asteroid threat it seems logical to me that you should spend a few bucks on figuring out how to stop the damn things before you have a planetary barbecue on your hands. But no, instead you talking monkeys want to cower in some church to wail and gnash your teeth instead.”

“It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t listen to some freak with a microphone, use the brains God gave you instead, you idiots!”

At that point “The Coyote” thanked Gabriel for his insight and ended the interview because the easily irritated Gabriel has been known to immolate innocent bystanders on a whim.

There is a silver lining to all this doom and gloom. Ed Lu, along with fellow ex-astronauts Tom Jones and Bill Anders, has been attempting to develop a better asteroid early warning system, the Sentinel Infrared Space Telescope. The telescope will work by scanning the sky in infrared, which will allow it to calculate the trajectory and velocity of asteroids. It is hoped in the future we will at least be able to detect every planet or city-killer that might be on a collision course with earth.

There is no word yet on whether or not Robertson will contribute to the cause of preventing a devastating asteroid strike. More than likely he’ll just purchase another potential Kentucky Derby winner instead while at the same time warning the faithful of God’s wrath over gay marriage.



Freeloading Tortoise Slayer Cliven Bundy Waxes Nostalgic About “Good ‘Ole Days” Of The Confederacy


CARSON CITY (CT&P) – Sociologist, constitutional law scholar, and talented orator Cliven Bundy addressed loyal followers across the nation and fawning fans at Fox News yesterday in a rambling, bigoted, and mostly incoherent press conference held just within the border of his newly established nation, “Bunkerville.”

During the speech, Bundy said he remembered driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, which he called a “government house” with “always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch” with nothing to do. Bundy went on to say that “them Negras abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton.” Bundy also mused, “I’ve often wondered,are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

The intellectual powerhouse Bundy apparently thinks that there is some kind of loophole in the law that allows “young children” to be retroactively aborted and that young black men are placed in prison by their own families, and all this sorrow could be averted with a little agricultural training.”

“All of you good folks know how much I value freedom and liberty, as long as it’s white trash ranchers who are on the receiving end of it. It’s a shame that the government don’t understand that Messicans and Negras just don’t possess the intelligence to be responsible Americans like us.”

Mr. Bundy went on to express his sadness that the “good ‘ole days” of segregation, the Spanish Inquisition, the Black Death, and Salvadorian death right-wing death squads ever had to come to an end.

The speech was hailed as a landmark policy speech for his fledgling country and cretins from all over America are still flooding into the area.

Right wing politicians however, had a slightly different take on the event and have been rapidly distancing themselves from Bundy. The nations most intelligent prognosticators (line setters in Vegas) predict that Bundy’s support will wither and die over the next few weeks, leaving him alone in the veld except for a few inbred relatives and a dozen or so surviving tortoises.

There is hope for Bundy however. Word has it that he has been offered an anchor job with Fox News, taking the time slot just after Megyn Kelly every night. The only problem with this scenario is that someone is going to have to figure out how to get Sean Hannity’s lips pried away from Bundy’s prodigious ass long enough for him to appear on television.




Dolphins Bid A Tearful Farewell As Marine Mammal Special Forces Units Deploy To Black Sea


SAN DIEGO (CT&P) – Highly trained units of the 9th Marine Mammals Special Forces Brigade began preparations for deployment yesterday as part of a U.S. Navy buildup in the Black Sea. The elite unit consists of several platoons of mine-laying bottle-nosed dolphin, squads of cute but deadly sea-lion underwater assassins, legions of Humbolt squid (prized for their ability to mask underwater movement), and a wing of malevolent sting rays, who can slip in under Russian sonar coverage to wreak havoc along the beaches of the Crimea.


Our valuable whale allies deserted en masse after the Navy’s plans to slaughter them with unnecessary air gun and sonar testing became public

At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Lieutenant Commander Philip Francis Queeg and Admiral William Bligh told assembled journalists that deployment of the brigade was essential to a winning strategy if we eventually are faced with armed conflict with the Russians.

“We’re putting everything we have into this effort,” said Commander Queeg, as he rattled a couple of steel ball bearings in his right hand. “We’ve sent the guided missile destroyer U.S.S. Buttplug, and the cruiser Mary Celeste to the region to bolster our presence in theater, and more ships are in route. Tomorrow, the 9th Marine Mammals will board a cargo vessel designed by world-renowned engineer and partying Highlander Montgomery Scott. They will disembark at an undisclosed location along the Black Sea coast. From there they will begin patrols.”


Marine mammals and trainers form lasting bonds and parting can be quite painful

When asked by reporters why the navy felt it necessary to include the elite mammals in the buildup, Admiral Bligh said “Look, the army can’t be involved in this because the “brown Muslim only” kill policy put in place by the Bush administration is still in effect. The air force is scared of its own shadow and wouldn’t think about putting any of its expensive planes at risk. Hell, they were terrified at the thought of taking on Syria, much less the Russians. So as usual, the navy gets stuck with the really tough missions, and we need all the forces we can muster.”

At that point Commander Queeg interjected, “To be completely honest the air force did offer us some drones, but their pilots are so nervous and jittery from all those long hours of staring at sand that they would be just as likely to blow up some Cossack wedding party as a Russian patrol boat. Besides, we have our own drones.”


Michael Manatee, president of the pacifist group Sea Cows for Peace, told reporters the crisis in Ukraine is a publicity stunt trumped-up by war-mongering right wingers

Meanwhile, the scenes around Sea World’s secret hunter-killer facility outside San Diego were somber and heart-wrenching as trainers and loved ones bid farewell to the brave warriors. It took several hours to disengage one squid’s wife from her husband, Staff Sergeant Freddie Calamari, who leads a locally-recruited platoon nicknamed the Humbolt Inkers.

Although the brigade has been in constant training for many years, this will mark the first time they will face real combat. It will be a classic case of brains verses brawn, as the Russians employ a massive army of mackerel and whitefish cannon fodder. Everyone is hoping and praying that the superior firepower and savvy of the U.S. Navy and its dangerous denizens of the deep will prevail.

The Joint Chiefs expressed extreme confidence in the troops. “I mean after all, you can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand underwater tactics like some of our mammals do,” said Admiral Bligh.



New Science Poll Finds That Four Out Of Ten Americans Are Ignorant Twits


SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – A new Associated Press-GfK poll taken in March of this year has found that almost half of the U.S. population is either mentally deficient or highly delusional. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted March 20-24, 2014, using KnowledgePanel, GfK’s probability-based online panel designed to be representative of the U.S. population. It involved online interviews with 1,012 adults and has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points for all respondents.

Instead of attempting to test the public’s specific scientific knowledge, which would no doubt have led to a series of suicides in the academic community, the poll asked “the folks” to rate their confidence in several statements concerning science and medicine.


The poll found that many Americans are imbeciles and should not be allowed to reproduce or even drive motor vehicles

The results were depressing.

The poll found that fully forty percent of Americans were skeptical of the settled scientific facts represented in statements about climate change, evolution, the age of the earth, and the Big Bang.

“Science ignorance is pervasive in our society, and these attitudes are reinforced when some of our leaders are openly antagonistic to established facts,” said 2013 Nobel Prize in medicine winner Randy Schekman of the University of California, Berkeley.

The poll found that whenever scientific fact bumped up against religious belief and blind faith, faith won the day. Alan Leshner, chief executive of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, said that in the general population “most often values and beliefs trump science” when they conflict.


Drs. John Bigboote, John Yaya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries of Yoyodyne Labs have done extensive testing on human belief systems

According to the poll, confidence in evolution, the Big Bang, and the age of the earth rapidly decline as faith in a supreme being rises. The poll also found that evangelical Christians express much greater doubt about scientific concepts they see as contradictory to their faith.

Equally alarming to many scientists was the confidence that many Americans expressed in bizarre conspiracy theories. Fully twenty percent of Americans expressed confidence that George Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks, the moon landings were faked, and President Obama was in league with Satan, while discounting evolution as part of a “commie plot” to poison the minds of young schoolchildren. The poll also found that many Americans express a deep distrust of photosynthesis, the freezing point of water, and the concept of entropy. Nine percent of Americans believe that the refrigerator light stays on when you shut the door.

Interestingly, not all scientists were surprised or depressed by the poll.

Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems told reporters that “This poll reflects what we have found in our research at our facility over in Grover’s Mill. Careful examination of you monkey boys reveals that, despite having a huge prefrontal cortex when compared to other species on this miserable rock, on the whole you are apt to believe in imaginary beings who make things happen and punish the unrepentant.”

“It’s really quite bizarre,” said Lizardo. “Your species has experienced this great leap forward in technology over the past few centuries that has made life easier for all of mankind and greatly increased the average lifespan of humanoids. Countless discoveries have improved living conditions all over the planet.  All of this progress has been made thanks to the advancement of science and reason, but you guys still insist that evolution is a plot and the world was created 7000 years ago by a dude floating up there in the ether somewhere.”


Dr. Emilio Lizardo was not surprised by the poll’s findings. For years he’s been telling any being who would listen that the average American’s grasp of science is “for shit”

“But we Lectroids are not complaining,” continued Dr. Lizardo, “this ‘blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance’ will only aid us as we secretly produce our oscillation overthruster so we can finally get our butts off this rock!”

The scientists who analyzed the results of the poll offer little hope for progress in the near future, but some did see light at the end of the wormhole.

“Look, you don’t run into many people around the world who still worship Zeus or Jupiter,” said Dr. Frank Black. “I think that in time we can reduce the number of folks who orient their lives around fairy tales and scary bedtime stories, and it is absolutely imperative that we do if we want to continue to thrive as a species.”

Dr. Black concluded by saying, “People should remember and take heed of Victor Stenger’s famous quote: ‘Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.'”



The KKK Took My Baby Away! Cretinous Crack Ho Downloads Zygote In Motel Bathtub


OCALA (CT&P) – Chrystal Hassell and Vincent Terry started out their “getaway” vacation just like any other happy Florida couple would, with a pocketful of primo rock and an economy sized bucket of Astroglide. They even purchased two brand new crack pipes and a windproof lighter for the occasion. What they did not take into account was the imminent birth of their second zygote. They also did not take into account that they are both moronic idiots.


Ms Hassell and Mr Terry will be taking a break from child-rearing duties courtesy of the Florida Department of Corrections

The unfortunate Ms Hassell was arrested last week at the Mephistopheles Motor Inn after giving birth to something during a particularly long and gratifying binge while her mate Mr. Terry was out scouring the landscape for supplies. The quick-thinking and practical Hassell used her five remaining teeth to sever the umbilical cord and get on with the business at hand, reloading the pipe.

Ms Hassell’s 11-month-old son Damien, the product of another supernatural event, entertained himself by playfully levitating razor-sharp kitchen knives around the motel room while all this was going on.

“I didn’t want a trivial event such as giving birth to kill my excellent buzz, and I knew Damien could more than take care of himself,” Hassell told Randal “if it bleeds it leads” McMurphy, of Ocala’s WPBF. “I mean, do you know how hard it is to find good rock nowadays? We stockpiled that shit for weeks before checking in to the motel.”


11-month-old Damien “Bile Geyser” Hassell expressed his displeasure with child services officials by spinning his head rapidly on its axis and spewing toxic sludge from his esophagus.

Her mate, Mr. Terry, was also arrested on a warrant out of Colorado where he is wanted for a few minor infractions including but not limited to domestic violence, violation of probation, and attempted murder. He is currently being held in the Marion County Jail along with his soul mate Ms Hassell.

In a separate interview Terry stated that they had both used drugs and spawned new species in the past, but never at the same time. “This is a new experience for both of us,” said Terry. “We really did not know Chrystal was pregnant. I mean, she felt movement in her abdomen but we both thought it was just worms. When I got back from the Dollar Store I was as surprised as she was that I was gonna be a dad again!”

Mr. Terry is also the sire of Ms Hassell’s first male progeny, Damien, who is only a yearling. Ms Hassell also has a 16-year-old daughter nicknamed “Carrie” for her ability to scan the minds of those around her and make them acquiesce to her malevolent schemes. Her exact location is unknown at this time, but she was last seen entering the Everglades riding on the back of an eleven-foot-long alligator.


Ms Hassell’s uncle has generously offered to take care of the kids while she is “unavoidably detained”

Throughout the whole ordeal the loving couple have managed to keep a sunny and optimistic outlook on the future.

When queried by reporters Mr. Terry said “Of course we’re staying together. My brood is here, and I don’t care if they are ‘special needs’ kids. The Good Lord taught us to love our kids regardless of their alien origins.”

A spokesman from the Marion County Sheriff’s Department told our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the Department of Children’s Services will do their best to keep the family unit intact. “We really don’t have much choice in the matter,” said Corporal Frank “Bat” Guano. “Even as screwed up as people are down here I don’t think we could find anyone dumb enough to foster this crew.”






Easter Bunny Hospitalized For “Nervous Exhaustion” Following Particularly Stressful Easter Season


SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – The Easter Bunny collapsed from exhaustion as she made her final deliveries in the Washington D.C. area early this morning. She was immediately rushed to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland where she is said to be resting comfortably after being given a liberal dose of Xanax for her nerves.


Alice “Easter” Bunny is seen here resting comfortably in her room at Walter Reed. She is expected to make a full recovery

A spokesman for the hospital told a gaggle of reporters that the Bunny, who’s first name is Alice, had endured “a particularly stressful Easter season” and that “it all just became too much to bear.” The spokesman said that Alice wanted all the kids on her final route to rest assured they would get their eggs. Emergency calls have been placed to Paris via the U.N. and backup flying French “Easter Bells” were taking up the slack.

The 2014 Easter season has been a particularly stressful one for Alice for a variety of reasons. As everyone knows, she is a part-time employee and is not eligible to receive health insurance from her employer. In the past few years the cost of insurance has risen so precipitously that Alice finally had to sell her hutch and move into a warren in order to make ends meet. To make matters worse, she missed the Obamacare sign-up deadline because of a computer glitch, so she has had to make appearances and gather eggs while being uninsured.

Her stress level shot up immensely when she was lured into an appearance with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News early last week. O’Reilly’s other guests were the Reverend Donald Wildmon of the American Family Organization and Dan Barker, co-founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Alice “Easter” Bunny, who has consistently claimed that she is strictly nondenominational, was caught in a crossfire between the two adversaries as both demanded that she take sides in the debate.


Dr. Roger Lepus expects Alice to make a full recovery

“That was the last bedding straw,” said the hospital spokesman. “I don’t think her tender psyche could take any more, and the stress just got the best of her this morning. However, we expect her to make a full recovery and she should be ‘fit as a fiddle’ for next Easter, so the kids shouldn’t worry about getting their fair share of tooth-rotting, diabetes-inducing chocolate rabbit figurines in the future. As for this year, we have full confidence that those weird French flying bells will complete her route around D.C.”