MONTGOMERY-Desperate to prop up a sagging campaign, Alabama congressional candidate Will Brooke pumped U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius full of lead late yesterday afternoon. Sabelius miraculously survived the attack and was airlifted to U.A.B. Medical Center in nearby Birmingham. Sabelius had been visiting the campus of Auburn University as part of a tour of southern college campuses in an attempt to get young people to sign up for Obamacare.
Mr. Brooke ambushed Secretary Sabelius as she strolled across a field at the Auburn School of Veterinary Medicine. Sources say
that Brooke had laid in wait for Sabelius for three days without food or water. He was camouflaged in a custom-made Ghillie suit which resembled an enormous pile of cow manure. Mr. Brooke used a .270 Cooper rifle to knock down Sebelius at a range of over 100 yards. He then raised himself into a kneeling position and fired a rocket-propelled grenade at Sabelius and her staff.
An eyewitness to the event, a Mr. Gus Malzahn, said that after firing the RPG, Brooke jumped up and began screaming “ROLL TIDE ROLL, YOU BITCH! ” Then Mr. Brooke charged Sabelius and her advisors while spraying lead with a converted AR-15. Brooke managed to pin Sabelius against an a farm tractor and emptied an entire clip into her a la “Sonny” in The Godfather. Not satisfied, Brooke whipped out a .40 Glock and administered what he thought was the coup de grace.
Mr. Brooke then immediately ran to a nearby television van and held an impromptu press conference. “I would just like to tell the voters of Alabama that I have taken this action in order to prove my dedication to repealing the scourge of Obamacare. The dream of denying healthcare to the poor must never die!”
Meanwhile, a life flight helicopter arrived on the scene to transport the apparently immortal Sabelius to a nearby hospital. Paramedics credited Sabelius’ survival to her almost impervious epidermis. One medic remarked, “That woman has a hide on her like a rhinoceros. I guess it’s from being exposed to all those vapid and inane questions from Republicans on the Health and Human Services Committee.”
Incredulous and frustrated at Sabelius’ apparent survival, Brooke ran to his nearby pickup truck and retrieved a shoulder fired
Stinger ground-to-air missile. He then launched the missile at the chopper while yelling, “Die, health care whore!” Fortunately the projectile went awry and missed the helicopter. It was only learned later than the missile detonated in the middle of Victoryland Greyhound Park where it caused no injuries.
The entire sordid affair was televised by the local Fox affiliate in nearby Montgomery. Anchors expressed surprise and disappointment that Secretary Sabelius survived the assault but felt that the failure would probably not hurt Mr. Brooke’s chances in the upcoming Republican primary.