TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott and other right-wing politicians in Florida were said to be “beside themselves” with excitement after Amnesty International’s release of its annual report on execution rates around the globe. Governor Skeletor appeared at a press conference early this morning in Tallahassee to trumpet the success of the state’s “Timely Justice Act” which was passed and signed into law last year.
“We have busted our collective butt to streamline the process of state-sponsored killing in Cretonia,” said Governor Scott. “The
figures just released by Amnesty prove that the new law is putting us right up there with some of the most respected champions of legalized murder. We even edged out Texas for third place! All our efforts have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more proud.”
According to the statistics, Florida moved in front of Texas in 2013 in the total number of death sentences handed down by highly educated and compassionate Florida juries. Not surprisingly, Florida also holds the all time record of convicted death-row prisoners that turned out to be completely innocent.
“I think we can all live with a few mistakes, unless of course you happen to be poor or black,” Scott chuckled.
The mistake rate more than likely stems from the fact that Florida only requires a 7-5 vote of jurors to hand down a death sentence. “We are trying to change that for the better,” said Scott. “I have sponsored a new bill that will allow us to bypass the lengthy and expensive trial process altogether and move to a system of immediate execution of suspects if three out of four investigating officers think that the “perp” is guilty. “We need to take the responsibility out of the hands of these uneducated hicks that make up our population,” said Scott. “I think everyone would agree that experienced cops would make better decisions.”
“Florida is proud to take the lead in speedy and efficient termination of human life, except of course when it involves giving women
control of their own bodies,” crowed Governor Snakehead. “We in Florida believe a woman’s place is in the home and a negro’s place is on the scaffold.”
Other states are scrambling to keep up with Florida’s torrid pace. Texas Governor Rick Perry told reporters that “Those upstarts over there in the Gunshine State may think they can win this contest but they ain’t seen nothing yet! We intend on conducting a state-wide human barbecue the likes of which the world has never seen.”
Although the total number of executions in the United States fell last year, along with student’s test scores, America managed to proudly stay within the top five countries who execute prisoners. America is still a contender for the abomination award alongside Iraq, China, Saudi Arabia, and Iran.