VATICAN CITY-The German weekly newspaper Gild am Sonntag reported yesterday that 340 grams of cocaine bound for the Vatican was seized by German customs officials in Leipzig. The officers found the high-quality Peruvian marching powder packed into 14 condoms hidden inside a shipment of comfortable and stylish seat cushions. The shipment of “soft cushions” was addressed only to the Vatican post office, meaning any one of the 800 permanent residents of Vatican City could have picked it up.
After German authorities contacted Vatican police and told them of the discovery, a sting operation was set up under very tight security. The 99% pure yayo was removed from the cushions and placed under guard in Leipzig. Meanwhile, an experienced team of Swiss Guards under the command of Cardinal Fang was assigned to observe the post office and capture the recipient of the shipment when he attempted to pick it up. “We are not that concerned with the nose candy, but the use of condoms is strictly forbidden and could lead to torture and excommunication,” said Cardinal Fang. “We may have to resort to using the ‘comfy chair.'”
However, the operation was called off three weeks later since no one ever appeared to collect the cushions. German officials believe that someone inside the Vatican tipped off the would-be snorter. Cardinal Fang reacted with righteous indignation to the suggestion that information had leaked from the nostrils of his task force. He vehemently insisted that “Nooooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
A source from within the close-knit College of Cardinals, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed regret that the shipment was seized in the first place. “We are really gonna miss that shipment. A whole week’s worth of dope flushed down the drain. You know it’s damn hard work saving souls and feeding the less fortunate. How in the hell do think His Holiness is able to spend his nights working in soup kitchens after all day at the office? The man is 77 years old, after all. Furthermore, I don’t know what idiot decided to route that stuff through Leipzig anyway. Everybody knows how anal German customs officials are.”
Appeals have been made to the pious to help the Vatican get over the shortfall in supply. Donations are pouring in from all over Sicily and as far away as Amsterdam and even Bogata. Archbishop Tony Montana of Miami, for instance, pledged 250 grams of pure powder from a stash he has hidden “close by.”
It seems that the faithful have taken the Pope’s pleas for a more humane and giving form of capitalism quite seriously.