WASHINGTON-At a Pentagon meeting late Friday afternoon, President Obama ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to initiate “Plan Pink,” a variation on a French war plan which calls for all our armed forces in eastern Europe to assume a submissive and cooperative attitude in the event of a Russian invasion of eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for all branches of the military to act in a “subservient and compliant” manner towards any Russian ships, aircraft, or armored columns they might encounter.
The plan also calls for highly experienced French officers to act as advisors to the Ukrainian armed forces as they warmly greet the advancing Russian forces. “Proper surrender etiquette must be followed at all times,” said French General Renee Acquiesce. “The last thing we want is any shooting in the name of patriotism. That’s how people get hurt.”
Emergency supplies of water and MRE’s are being airlifted into Kiev where they will be distributed to strategic points along the expected route of the Russian advance. Ukrainian troops and their Allied advisors will be distributing the much-needed supplies to weary Russian tankers and footsoldiers as they race toward the capital.
The Joint Chiefs greeted the news of President Obama’s decision with almost uniform relief. “We have the most technologically advanced and expensive military in the world. It would be a damn shame to get it shot up over a little thing like the subjugation of a fledgling democracy trying to shed the yoke of Russian imperialism,” said General Frank Timorous. “Besides, I don’t think there’s any oil there anyway, is there?”
There was only one dissenting vote on the plan, and that was made by U.S. Air Force General “Buck” Turgidson. General Turgidson became rather perturbed with the president when he heard his plans. He told the president that he should show a little more concern for the Ukrainian people than with his image in the history books. General Turgidson instead backed a plan called “Operation Drop Kick” in which the U.S. would conduct a surprise full-scale nuclear attack on Russia and her allies. General Turginson told the assembled officials that although we would suffer some minor damage to our infrastructure and a few casualties from Russian nuclear retaliation, he guaranteed that the death toll of Americans would be minimal. General Turgidson said, “Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say that no more than ten to twenty million Americans will be killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.”
Despite General Turgidson’s rosy predictions, President Obama insisted on going with “Plan Pink.” He addressed reporters in the Pentagon briefing room before returning to the White House to pack for his upcoming vacation.
“I want to make one thing perfectly clear from the outset of this operation,” said Mr. Obama. ” The U.S. military is not going to get involved in war with another country that can put up any kind of a fight. I mean, we spend hundreds of billions of dollars every year on the military and various intelligence agencies, and we are not going to divert them from the critical tasks of blowing up Yemeni wedding parties and spying on our own citizens. If the citizens of Ukraine want to get all crazy and demand the right to vote, well then that’s their business. President Putin has assured me over the phone that he will do what is right and offer free health care to any Ukrainian who will sign a loyalty pledge to Mother Russia. That’s a pretty big incentive in my book.”