DEFUNIAK SPRINGS, FL-Fred R. Dullard, spokesman for the Walton County Sheriff’s Department, announced today that Walton will be joining a multitude of Florida counties in the red-hot race for who can make the most moronic and senseless arrests during spring break. Although Walton is a late entry, Dullard expressed optimism for a high finish. “I think we have a good shot at it,” said Dullard. “Our main competition is going to be neighboring Bay County. They are always tough to beat in any contest of incompetence or abuse. Those guys over there just seem to have a knack for fucking things up.”
Walton made its first entry into the contest with the foolish and ill-advised arrest of Philip D. Tidwell’s twenty year old daughter who was here on spring break from Dyersburg, Tennessee. It seems that Ms Tidwell had committed the heinous crime of possessing an unopened alcoholic beverage. Not being 21 years of age, Ms Tidwell thus constituted a clear and present danger to anyone within a ten-mile radius of her position.
The arresting officer, Bobby Joe Vapid of nearby Encephalitis Springs, stated “I just couldn’t let the public be put in danger by Ms Tidwell’s wreckless activities. These damn rich kids come down har and think they can get away with all kinds a terrorist acts. It ain’t right.”
What makes Walton’s entry so impressive are the unintended consequences of Officer Vapid’s arrest. After hearing of his daughter’s incarceration, Mr. Tidwell drove down from Dyersburg to free her from the long tentacles of the law. Upon arriving at the jail in DeFuniak Springs, he was informed of the standard wait time of 7-10 hours before his daughter could be released.
“We try to release prisoners as quickly as possible, depending on the severity of the crime and how attractive they are, if they are female of course,” said spokesman Dullard. “However, when it comes to these hardened criminals from out of state, we have to err on the side of caution. We have a duty to protect the public. Besides, it’s damn hard for many of our nearly illiterate personnel to fill out all the proper forms.”
After having to deal with the absurdity of the arrest and incarceration of his daughter, Mr. Tidwell simply could not take the glacial pace of the release process. He then did what many have fantasized about doing. He grabbed a golf club and beat the shit out of some patrol cars parked in the jail parking lot.
A local attorney representing Mr. Tidwell quoted him as saying, “Hell, that’s the way we settle scores in the Volunteer state, and I figured Florida would be no different. Without golf clubs and tire irons society would go all to hell.” Mr. Tidwell’s lawyer said that he was slightly intoxicated at the time and regretted the incident. He has offered to pay for the damages.
The last few weeks of the arrest contest should be very exciting. The grand prize is a year-long expansion of the asset forfeiture laws to include parking tickets and restaurant code violations. That potentially means a lot of cash for hard-pressed police and sheriff’s departments. With the race heating up, vacationing students are advised to use extreme caution or choose a more warm and congenial destination this year, like maybe Damascus or Sevastopol.