THE RIVER STYX-Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame is said to be “thoroughly confused” and more than a little bit perturbed at finding himself roasting in the fires of hell, sources said. At a press conference this morning along the corpse-strewn banks of the River Styx, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps “just could not believe his eyes” as he disembarked from the Brimstone Special, one of three new environmentally friendly Maglev (magnetic levitation) bullet trains that transport condemned souls to the River Styx at over 200 miles per hour.”His Majesty Mephistopheles sure is proud of those new trains,” said Balthazar. “He really wants to do his part to save the environment from all you idiot Homo sapiens.”
Upon his arrival, Pastor Phelps attended a gala reception hosted by the Prince of Hatred Lord Sonneillon. “I just wanted Fred to know how happy we were to finally get him in our talons,” said Lord Sonneillon. “I would also like to thank His Majesty Lord Lucifer for entrusting to me and my staff the safe-keeping and eternal torture of Pastor Phelps’ black and rotten soul. It’s not that often that you run across a dude that was so totally committed to hatred and loathing during his time on earth. My boys have not been this excited since Hitler arrived back in 1945.”
Pastor Phelps only had time for a few brief comments before he had to leave for his induction physical over at the offices of Mengele and Kevorkian, LLC. “I just do not understand this at all,” said Phelps. “This must be some kind of mistake. I’ve spent my whole goddamn life serving the Lord and this is what I get! Spending eternity having a hot poker rammed up my ass and having my liver torn out by hungry vultures every morning at daybreak. Life is a bitch and then you die!”
Outside the Pearly Gates, at a somewhat higher elevation, a deep and resonant chuckling could be heard emanating from the Throne of God.