GAINESVILLE-Thursday March 20th 2014, the first day of spring. This should be a happy day for all the young men attending the University of Florida. The guys should be greeted with the pleasant sight of scantily clad coeds carefully nurturing deep tans that only much later in life will give rise to a crop of malignant melanomas. However, today the campus is caught in the icy grip of fear. Women of all ages can be seen garbed in protective clothing in the form rain slickers and wetsuits rented from nearby scuba diving shops. The coeds march in defensive phalanx formations on their way to class and Flight 370 discussion groups.
The reason for this reign of terror is simple: a malevolent serial urinator is roaming unchecked around the campus and its nearby environs, relieving himself on innocent female students. The micturating maniac has struck at least six times in recent weeks and is wanted by the Gainesville Police Department for “battery with a warm, straw-colored liquid.”
At a news conference yesterday Gainesville Police Chief Billy Joe “Bull” Smegma told reporters that “We have not seen this level of terror on the Florida campus since those guys in the UF computer lab re-tasked the highway signs to read ‘DANGER! ZOMBIE CROSSING! PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION.’ “I want all of the residents of Gainesville to know we are top of this situation,” said Chief Smegma. “I have contacted experts in Chicago that tracked down and arrested the infamous ‘Illinois Enema Bandit’ back in the 70’s, and we are flying them in tomorrow. I also want to give all of you guys a composite sketch we have come up with from the victims’ descriptions of the desperado.”
Chief Smegma then had officers hand out a detailed artist’s rendering of the lawless leaker. He is said to be a black male between the ages of 20 and 40, between 5’6″ and 6’2″ tall, and wearing a hoodie and baggy jeans. “With this description and the excellent sketch made by our expert police artists, we are rapidly narrowing the field of suspects down into the low tens of thousands. Most of the black males on campus are on sports teams so we can easily check their alibis. Add to that the fact that most young black males here in Florida are safely behind bars, and the pool of potential pee-ers dries up nicely,” said Smegma.
“We feel that with the help of the public we can track down this miscreant pretty quickly, Chief Smegma continued. “We are currently checking the alibis of all our sports stars on campus and marking them off the list one by one. We are also receiving assistance from some of our local militias and white supremacist organizations from rural areas of northern Florida and south Georgia. The main thing we want to stress to the public is that they should study the sketch intently and commit it to memory. If any citizen should happen to see anyone who vaguely matches the description of this villainous eliminator, for God’s sake don’t try to take action on your own. Either call local law enforcement or a bunch of your drinking buddies to help with the capture. Although urine is in general sterile and harmless, you never know when an unhinged felon might graduate to ‘Number Two.’ We generally consider serial urination to be a gateway crime and it’s only a matter of time before this cretin becomes completely unhinged and begins committing acts of full scale fecal terrorism.”
Initial reports that the suspect had been arrested last night were proved inaccurate. A man was found unconscious in a restroom over at the liberal arts building with his fly open and privates exposed. However, it turned out to be a tenured political science professor who has suffered from micturition syncope, a condition where the sufferer faints during or after urination. The professor is said to have suffered from the heartbreaking syndrome ever since he underwent extreme trauma during the Florida recount fiasco in 2000.
At present Gainesville police have no one in custody, but cops and private citizens alike are rapidly rounding up and questioning any black male wearing a hoodie that ventures within a 25 mile radius of the campus. Results are expected soon.