Spend precious hours of your life carefully folding Walmart and Publix bags so they will fit neatly in some obscure cabinet in the laundry room. The last thing you want is disorder in your household. If you are pressed for space, use a hot iron to compress the stack into a compact mass of organic polymers that will be around long after Homo sapiens is an extinct species.
Choosing the correct pet can be a tricky business. Be sure to select one that best suits your personality. Remember, the most important things in life are cleaning, organization, and maintaining a death grip of control over your immediate surroundings and any entities therein. Model your life after a mid level security officer in the East German Stasi.
Attempt to shape and control your children’s lives with an almost religious zeal reminiscent of an imam at a terrorist training facility. Your kids will adore you for it and after a period of rebelliousness, will grow into happy and well adjusted teenagers. In adulthood they will become either despondent and negative control freaks such as yourself, or neurotic real-life versions of Crazy Larry in Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch. Either way, you will be assured of a nice quiet funeral without all that hysterical sobbing.
If you are a “news anchor” for a cable network do your best to sensationalize tragedies that occur anywhere on earth. Strive to come up with 18 bizarre theories that could explain “mysterious events” that occur. Completely ignore all facts related to the story. Use bizarre colloquialisms that you think are cool, such as “we are efforting to find out the truth.” When in doubt, blame Obamacare.
If a loved one does too much business with Amazon, simply burn the next round of books he receives. Christmas should only come once per year. Besides, who needs intellectuals? They get too big for their britches.
If you are almost 80 years old, always wake up at 6 A.M. and start your day by scrubbing cat vomit off your obscenely expensive silk Persian rug. Act as if this is the first time in the history of the planet that a feline regurgitated. Threaten the cat with severe economic sanctions if the act is repeated.
If you are worried that the size of your penis is not up to snuff, and you thrive on failure, become a probation officer. During your career you will be able to observe every species of genital under the sun and you will finally be able to assess your place in the pricking order. Practice the fine art of meat gazing by adopting a cat and go out of your way to glare and intimidate it while it uses the litter box. Also, don’t to forget to act like a pompous-ass control freak version of Mother Theresa while boasting a whopping three percent success rate for “clients.”
Panic and react with abject horror when your huge feline does something vaguely sexual with his cat bed.
If you are a lazy and shiftless lamprey who suffers from CWDD (Constructive Work Deficiency Disorder), react with a certain lack of enthusiasm and practiced indifference when you are given your morning cleaning assignments by your OCD mom.
If you are spending your weekend on a nearby lake abducting innocent bass from their homes in order to turn them into highly battered cholesterol fillets, always take a shotgun along. You never know when some unsuspecting alien creature may swim by. Remember, always shoot first and ask questions later.
Camping can be enormous fun for the entire family. However, you never know when you might encounter an Eric Robert Rudolph or one of the thousands of Muslim terrorist sleeper cells that are located behind every bush in the United States. You should therefore always be prepared to repel attack. Don’t even think about entering the woods without an assault rifle and appropriate sidearm. Train your wife and kids until they are experts with rocket-propelled grenades and night vision equipment. Remember, the forest is there for all of us to enjoy, so help keep it safe for all Americans.
If a relative or close friend has the impertinence to attempt something as selfish as reading or writing while you are cleaning all your baseboards with a toothbrush for the third time in a week, interrupt them over and over again with stupid, vacuous rhetorical questions until the poor bastard gives up and slashes his wrists.
React with fear and trembling if you should happen to discover a harmless insect in your home. Immediately get on the phone and bitch at the worthless pest control company you pay a fortune to every month to keep you safe from the arthropods and arachnids that have covered every square foot of the planet since long before man emerged from the sea. Act as if the lone lost and confused ant you see on the kitchen floor represents the vanguard of an endless stream of ravenous driver ants from east Africa. Worry yourself sick about the imminent invasion of segmented miniature monsters who will pick your bones clean in minutes if you dare go to sleep. Try to add precious minutes to your life by taking amphetamines to stay awake 24/7 like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Keep every door in your fucking house closed and locked like you are expecting the Zombie Apocalypse. The last thing you want is fresh air, a pleasant breeze, and the sounds of a waterfall invading the peace and tranquility of your aseptic, lifeless home that is devoid of any personality.
If an aggressive semi-hostile country ruled by a megalomaniacal former KGB officer invades and subjugates a weaker nation thus threatening to precipitate World War III, spend 100% of the airtime on your popular cable program positing bizarre and irrational theories about the disappearance of an airliner carrying a couple of hundred people. Keep your priorities straight and forge ahead with no thought for what is really important.
Management tip of the week: If you own or manage a small business, never turn your back on any employee or customer. They are all out to rob your ass blind. Never trust anyone you come into contact with in the course of business, especially if they are relatives or close friends. Those cretinous swine will use their close relationship with you to take everything you have worked so hard to attain. Protect yourself by installing microscopic video cameras in every nook and cranny of your business, especially in the restrooms. Make sure they broadcast 24/7 on an encrypted frequency that only you can receive. Always carry a laptop or pad around with you so you can keep an eye on the bastards at all times. Test your employees’ honesty by leaving gold coins in the break room that you have previously exposed to intense ionizing radiation. If one of your vile, heinous employees gives in to temptation, don’t take action until a year later when he is in the hospital suffering from some giant cancerous tumor of mysterious origin. Then visit him and tell him that’s what he gets for being a dishonest bastard. Pull out all the tubes connected to his body and tell the nurse he had a spasm and fell out of bed. When your other employees find out what has happened, they will admire your dedication and cunning and work that much harder to please you.
Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.