PANAMA CITY BEACH-The annual spring migration of high energy, low IQ sex-crazed youthful imbeciles has begun. Gulf coast beaches are rapidly filling up with a veritable army of drunken teenagers flush with cash and poor judgement. The annual migration has been met with the usual schizophrenic response on the part of politicians, law enforcement, and business owners.
The businesses along the entire coast are dependent on tourism for their very existence. Politicians are dependent on donations from the people who run these businesses. Law enforcement being law enforcement, sees the annual influx as an invasion of their turf. They are already overworked trying to police an area so inundated by natives with barely enough sense to walk across the street without being squashed by a retiree from New Jersey or a snow bird from Canada. The annual “econundrum” of spring break has befuddled many a Cretonian politician and lawman over the last few decades.
This year however, Bay County Sheriff Bubba Polyps has come up with a novel solution to perennial problem of drunken and sex-crazed cretinous youth: mobile detention cages set up at strategic intervals along “The World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”
The network of enclosures or “human corrals” is loosely based on the highly successful dog-pen style cells made famous by the Nazis and used by the federal government at Guantanamo Bay. After the law-breaking vacationers are captured by the forces of good, the offending parties are first blasted with fire hoses from various volunteer fire departments along the beach in order to remove any lingering beer, suntan oil, semen, or other excess bodily fluids. The unfortunate captives are then deloused using 1950’s vintage DDT powder leftover from Cold War civil defense stocks. After being segregated by sexual preference, the cretins are then placed in the paddocks until they sober up.
After a “cooling off” period, during which the kids are subjected to the blazing rays of a melanoma-producing sun, the dangerous criminals are then transported via cattle movers to more permanent camps within the dark and mysterious interior of Cretonia. The camps are said to be located in the center of vast fetid swamps populated by alligators, venomous snakes, and black bear. After an appropriate period of time during which parents of the prisoners are kept in the dark about the location and condition of their miscreant offspring, officials from the county then will make offers for release as long as a bounty of between $500 to $5000, depending on the severity of the “crime,” is paid into a slush fund used to purchase drones, automatic weapons, and luxury automobiles to be used by the sheriff’s department. Local politicians are also authorized to dip into the fund in order to finance junkets to the nearby Ebro Dog Track. Those unfortunate detainees that do not come from wealthy families and do not pay the “fines” are likely to end up like many of the “students” at the infamous Florida School for Boys.
During one of Sheriff Polyps’ hundreds of self-serving television appearances he explained how he got the idea for the revolutionary new method of controlling the kids. “Well, I done got the idea from watching file footage of that all-inclusive resort where we keep them Mooslim terrorists down in Cuber. I thought to myself, here’s the solution to the problem of all them Yankee kids from Birmingham and Atlanta coming down here and runnin’ around drunk and half nekkid on our purty beaches. Hell, we got enough ugly ass folks down here in the first place! I just don’t see how they can stand to live up there. I got as far as Montgomery one time and had to turn around cause all the concrete just freaked me right out.”
The new system of mobile miniature concentration camps is now in place and has been reaping great rewards. During the first weekend of operation, over 3500 teenage delinquents have been rounded up and imprisoned for such vile and heinous crimes as wearing wet tee shirts, failing to pay cover charge at The Spinnaker, and smiling and laughing too much. The county has managed to rake in over $10,000 in fines and bribes in this short period alone, and politicians all over Cretonia have proclaimed the new system a great success. Representatives from Walmart and The Dollar Store are currently meeting with government officials to coordinate plans for new “get out of detention” gift cards that will sold in stores nationwide so that anxious parents can purchase them to give to their kids before they depart for spring break festivities. The cards will imprinted with an artist’s depiction of a lugubrious skeletal prisoner staring out from behind a chain link fence with the caption, “I lost 30 lbs while vacationing on the Emerald Coast.”