RIVER STYX-Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared at a hastily called press conference this morning to announce plans for a gala reception party for the former pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps. Phelps’ son Nate announced the news of Daddy-O’s imminent demise on his Facebook page Saturday night.
The dim-witted and criminally insane Pastor Phelps founded the infamous “God Hates Fags” church in Topeka, Kansas back in 1955. Phelps, who has always struggled with his own sexual identity, expressed his extreme insecurity by rabidly attacking all things gay. However, Phelps seemingly bottomless reservoir of hatred has not been solely aimed at homosexuals. Throughout Phelps’ life he has been an equal-opportunity miscreant. Phelps has led countless putrid and disgusting public protests against Jewish organizations, the Marine Corps, and at numerous soldier’s funerals. The good Pastor Phelps has garnered just about every abomination award one could imagine.
Lord Balthazar opened the brief presser by graciously thanking journalists for interrupting their normal Sunday schedule in order to attend. “I want to thank you all for coming down on such short notice. I’ll get you back to the Sunday shows as fast as I can.”
Balthazar paused for effect and then said, “Well guys and gals, I can tell you that there has not been this much anticipation around here since Hitler locked himself in the bunker under the Reich Chancellery in 1945! We really look forward to the arrival of Pastor Phelps. His Majesty Lord Lucifer told me that he has constructed ‘a whole theme park of red delights’ for the good pastor,” said Balthazar. “We really want to devote a great deal of time and energy to the torture of his immortal soul. The Prince of Darkness has really outdone himself this time. I have not seen such a burst of creativity out of him since John Wayne Gacy died back in 1994.”
Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps will be fitted with a radioactive capsicum butt plug upon arrival. “And that’s just the beginning. We have some experts from the SS, the NKVD, and the Spanish Inquisition all gearing up to take turns on old Fred. We want to give every group equal time, so we plan to rotate the torturers at the close of each millennium,” said Balthazar. “During the breaks between sessions we’ll toss Freddie into the Lake of Fire or have his liver torn out by vultures.”
Balthazar closed the briefing by thanking the reporters again and said, “As delighted and excited as we are by Pastor Phelps’ imminent arrival, I don’t want any of you to think that we will be ignoring our normal duties. There will still be plenty of demons available to possess and control all the usual suspects, like the anchors and pundits on Fox News. Have a nice day.”
Pastor Phelps is said to be spending his last few hours at Midland Hospice in Topeka. One can only hope that he is currently experiencing one tenth of the pain and suffering he has caused thousands of American citizens over the years.