If you have always been insecure because of your small penis, or you have impure thoughts about other men, go hunting as much as possible. Murder as many innocent animals as you possibly can without giving a second thought to their suffering. This will make you feel like more of a stud as you guzzle your cheap Horse Urine brand beer at the neighborhood dive. Remember, animals are only on earth to be senselessly killed for sport by cretins like you, and watching them die painful deaths will help you sort out your mental problems.
Kudzu works miracles in the fight against erosion. If you own property, plant as much of it as you can. Remember that it can used to make tasty salads and can be weaved together to make emergency descent ladders for high rises. Don’t worry about it ever being susceptible to blight, because it is so noxious that even goats won’t give it a second look.
If your neighbor’s plants encroach so much as a centimeter across your property line, don’t waste time asking her to trim them. You have more important things to do than wasting your time talking to that bitch. Instead, dress in dark clothing head to toe and blacken your face before going outside after midnight. Jump the fence and apply a carefully mixed solution of diesel fuel, Roundup, and radioactive salt around the base of the offending plants or trees. No one needs know that you are to blame for the resulting moonscape and high incidence of rare cancerous tumors in the neighborhood. The inconsiderate bastards should have respected your property line in the first place.
Chain saws can be fun and useful tools. Always choose a large, powerful model for minor backyard plant maintenance, especially if you need to hold it above your head to prune hard to reach branches. Use an inexpensive old-fashioned wooden ladder for the really high branches. Remember, you need to keep a tidy yard in order to impress the neighbors.
Choosing a mate may be the most important decision you make in life. If you are a woman, be sure to choose a man who you can easily dominate and browbeat into conforming with your deranged obsession with cleanliness and order. If you are a man, choose a dim-witted woman who will stay in the damn kitchen or in the bedroom. Women should keep their mouths shut and give birth to your spawn.
Develop a debilitating and embarrassing tic which surfaces when loved ones or friends do not go along with your ridiculous plans or accede to your demands regarding pathological cleanliness and organization. Have panic attacks and blood pressure spikes when anyone moves a piece of furniture two inches in order to have a better view of the big game.
Always purchase the smallest plastic containers available in order to keep the harsh artificial beverage you are imbibing as fresh as possible. This is especially true for the “spring water” you drink that really comes from some retention pond in West Virginia. Remember, all that counts is your convenience. Who cares what the oceans will look like after you are dead? Enjoy life to its fullest while you are here.
People should respectful of all the countless hours you spend cleaning and re-cleaning your home. If some moronic child who is visiting your home for Thanksgiving dinner spills a drop of gravy on your Persian rug, you should act swiftly and decisively. Quietly get up from the table, go to your bedroom closet, and return packing a machine gun-grenade launcher combo. Stand in the doorway and quietly state, “Say hello to my little friend.” Then blast the fuck out of the entire room while screaming “I am Tony Montana!” over and over again. That’ll teach the little brat.
If you leave a party after a few drinks, your goal should be to spend as little time as possible on the road, because you constitute a danger to other drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists. Therefore you should drive like a bat out of hell straight home. This will reduce the total time you spend on the highway. Remember, don’t be selfish. Think of your community first.
If you are in a foreign country while on vacation, it is always best to blend in with the locals and follow their customs. You don’t want to be the ugly American and insult your gracious hosts. For example, if you are walking down the street and masked men start firing machine guns in the air, grab a rifle and join in! They will appreciate your enthusiasm. Later on when things quiet down, be sure to renounce your religion and accept Islam. Remember, “when in Rome do as the Romans do.” U.S. Government authorities will understand. They are very forgiving of such behavior.
Management tip of the week: If you are a small or medium size business owner you are the backbone of America, at least according to every idiot politician that has every drawn breath. America’s success depends on your success. Therefore, you should treat your employees as if they were serfs from the 14th century. It is not enough that they work hard to get the job done. Demand absolute fealty from every one of them. Before hiring anyone, even to do menial labor, run extensive background checks on their credit and criminal history. Have each new hire visit a psychiatrist in order to start building up a file on his or her psychological traits. Look for weaknesses that you may be able to exploit later in their careers. Do your best to try to control their thoughts and actions at home as well as at work. A good start is to demand that all of your workers subscribe to the same religious hocus pocus that you do. Also, remember that drug and alcohol abuse can be a problem with the overworked and underpaid peasant class in the United States. Therefore, you should hire a company to drug test each employee every fucking day just as the sun comes over the horizon. Your workers will enjoy the extra attention provided by someone staring at their genitals at dawn. For suspect employees this should also include blood and tissue samples. Remember, key personnel should be scrutinized like Saudi Arabian students with expired visas applying for flight school. All management level employees should wear ankle monitors so you can keep track of their positions 24 hours a day. These important members of your staff should be made to join the same wacked-out church you attend and should also be supervised closely on election day to make certain they vote for same the wingnut freak that you support. Always keep in mind that you are taking all the risks by owning your own business. Therefore, there is no demand that you can make of your employees that is too ridiculous. All the extra attention will make them feel important and they will love you for it. Remember, you have been empowered by the Almighty to make this world a better place through capitalism, so don’t let America down.
Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.