If something trivial occurs that upsets your cleaning and reorganizing regimen, don’t get too stressed out about it. For example, if some idiot interrupts your day with news that a relative or close friend has had a life-threatening coronary, breathe deeply, relax, and go to your “happy place:” the dirt and microbe-free living quarters of Moon Base Alpha, on the lifeless surface of the moon.
Life is like a brief flicker of light between two eternities of darkness, so you should learn to be a good time manager. Use up as much of it as you can cleaning your house over and over again and having arguments with loved ones over how to properly load the dishwasher.
Always wait until around noon to prune your palm trees. The blinding light from our nearest star will aid in your efforts to see the stalks.
Dangerous microorganisms are literally everywhere and pose a constant threat to your very survival. A spoonful of Lysol with your morning coffee can keep you healthy and help fight off disease.
Much has been reported lately about the need for good colon health. Research shows that coating your food with a high quality weed killer such as Roundup can prevent the growth of harmful flora in your large intestine.
We live in a very dangerous world and there are Muslim terrorists under every rock in America. Therefore you should try your best to get your homeowner’s association to purchase a fully armed Predator drone for neighborhood defense. If you are outvoted, or people treat you as if you are mentally disturbed, call them “a bunch of faggoty-ass pussies” and storm out. Come to the next meeting armed to the teeth and disguised as George Zimmerman. They’ll get the message.
Stubbornly refuse to enter the modern era by insisting on the use of 1950’s technology to rearrange the dirt on your floors. Newfangled gadgets such as computers, cell phones, and Swifters will cause the downfall of western civilization.
When planning a vacation, spend weeks scheduling every minute that you are away so that you can get the most value for your travel dollar. Run frantically from tourist trap to tourist trap like Mick Jagger on amphetamines. Try to see every historical site with 100 miles of your route. Come home from your journey so confused and exhausted that you have no idea where the fuck you have been.
Always remember that landscapes do not reach their full potential until concrete is poured. Beautiful views should be seen from the 8th floor of a condo complex.
Precious real estate should be used efficiently. Packing as many people as possible into every square block makes perfect sense. The Soviets knew this and we should follow their example.
Try to micromanage everyone you come in contact with, whether they be relatives, friends, or business associates. People really love this and will be grateful for your guidance. The world should benefit from your superior knowledge and insightful opinions.
Management tip of the week: If an employee or child under your supervision fucks up, the best thing to do is mercilessly humiliate them in front of their peers. If they are of a different race or gender, be sure to use bigoted slurs whenever possible. Yell at them at maximum volume when doing this. This will teach them a lesson they will not soon forget, and the more people who know about it, the better. You deserve the respect of everyone you come in contact with, even if they are complete strangers.
Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.