PHOENIX-The “forces of light,” led by Jesus Christ, suffered a humiliating setback yesterday outside Phoenix, Arizona when they were routed by “the forces of darkness,” led by the recently deceased Ian McKlellan. The sizable contingent of redneck religious zealots was sent scurrying back to the relative safety of the Arizona state senate chambers after a brief skirmish with a small but intelligent and highly motivated force of gay rights advocates.
Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, conservative radio talk show host, and imbecilic bigot, had predicted just such an outcome less than a week ago on his blockbuster hit show “Focal Point.” On Thursday March 6th, the Prophet Fischer had proclaimed that the future of America and the world would be determined by “whether the forces of light or darkness will prevail in the battle over special rights based on sexually deviant behavior.” Fischer went on to declare that “everywhere that ‘Big Gay’ gains ground, Christ is forced to retreat.”
Fischer, unsure of his own sexuality and long a champion of oppression and discrimination targeting gays, minorities, and the poor, went on to assert that the future of the entire planet hinges on beating back the forces of progress, societal enlightenment and equal treatment under the law. Fischer warned that “if the forces of sexual deviancy prevail…every part of our culture will be corrupted, it will be contaminated beyond repair and America…will plunge the world into an abyss of darkness and depravity.”
Although rarely correct about anything at all, Fischer seems to have hit the nine inch nail on the head this time. It seems that a poorly led and disorganized divine militia was no match for the masterfully led and motivated force it was up against outside Phoenix.
General McKlellan, affectionately referred to as “Gandy” by his troops, based his plan of battle on Lee’s masterpiece, the battle of Chancellorsville. He used two divisions of hair stylists, servers, and set designers flown in on chartered flights from Atlanta and Los Angeles to pin down Christ’s superior numbers while he sent interior designers mounted on catering trucks on a flank march to his left. The route of the mobile force was obscured from view by one of Phoenix’s empty and overgrown neighborhoods abandoned after the housing collapse.
Unaware of the danger to their flank and rear, Jesus and the Archangel Michael were busy leading futile charges against McKlellan’s well dug in troops. A special squad of combat engineers and part-time choreographers had designed an elaborate trench system that Jesus’ pickup-mounted rednecks simply could not penetrate.
The interior designers finally reached their jumping-off points near dusk. Letting out a blood-curdling, high-pitched, and rather effeminate version of the Rebel yell, they pounced on the right flank and rear of Jesus’ divine militia. The result was chaos, panic, and extreme sexual insecurity within the ranks of the redneck army. Despite mule-headed and senseless resistance on the part of a small group of hard-core Tea Party agitators led by Corporal Ted Cruz, the entire throng of Neanderthals was forced into a hasty, embarrassing retreat back inside the gates of Phoenix.
Down but not out, Jesus vowed to continue the battle at a later date. Sources tell us that the Archangel Michael will be replaced as second in command by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) who is known for his bloodthirsty destruction of cities and ability to turn humans into pillars of iodized salt.
The battle was reviewed ad nauseam on Fox News channel for 24 hours straight before the network got back to its normal cycle of continuous irrational pounding of Obamacare. On Special Report with Bret Baier, Charles Krauthammer criticized the leadership of the “forces of light” during the nightly segment “Panneau de Cretins.”
The lugubrious Krauthammer opined, “This is what happens when you have spineless, namby-pamby left-wing leadership. I mean, who is going to respect Jesus as a military leader after all that liberal “turn the other cheek” tripe in the New Testament? McKlellan is going to continue to run over him like Putin is doing to Obama in Crimea right now. We need to recruit someone with some grit and determination if we are going to win this all-battle against gay rights. I hear Mephistopheles is available. Maybe we can recruit him to run in 2016.”
Bryan Fischer is said to have had some sort of mental breakdown after the results of the battle were announced. He is said to be in deep depression and has retreated to a buried shipping container somewhere in Idaho. Foreseeing this possibility, his aides stocked the container with weapons, dehydrated beans, and survivalist pamphlets long ago.