PYONGYANG-All of North Korea is abuzz with joy today as it has been confirmed that the country’s “Dear, Sweet, Forgiving and Athletically Gifted Leader,” Kim Jong-un, was elected to the Supreme Peoples Assembly with nearly 100% of the vote yesterday. The only dissenting vote came from Kim’s opposition in the race, an 82-year-old mentally disturbed farmer from a remote rural province who had recently been transferred to a mental health clinic in Kim’s district.
Civic leaders, community organizers, and politicians in the U.S. turned green with envy as it was reported that there was 100% turnout in the election. ‘This is the way elections should be run,” yelled Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. “None of those liberal cry-babies opposing good old common sense for Mr. Kim! No sir! I’ll have to say that ‘the folks’ in North Korea really came out on top this time!”
The “Dearest and Most Magnanimous Perfect Specimen of Manhood Leader” celebrated the victory by partying all night with Dennis Rodman, his P.R. man in America, and approximately 27 members of his specially trained all female “stress-relief” squad. The “Handsome Forthright Charming Incorruptible Leader” rewarded his over two million volunteer campaign workers by giving them each an extra food ration for the day which consisted of one slice of bread and a 16 oz container of Despotic Springs Sparkling Water, which is proudly bottled by political prisoners in Hamhung, North Korea’s “Second City.”
Im Insane, Kim’s opposition in the race, garnered only one vote; his own. As the main event at Kim’s victory party at campaign headquarters, Mr. Insane and his campaign manager, a ferret named ‘Lucky,’ were devoured alive by Kim’s beloved pets, a pack of around 100 vicious and half-starved Alsatians. The Alsatians made short work of Mr. Insane despite being exhausted from a busy week of tearing dissidents limb from limb. Only the day before they had been tasked with dismembering two trade union agitators, three Christian missionaries, and a point guard from who missed an easy lay-up in the annual North Korean Army-Navy basketball game.
The “Most Wonderful and Sexually Proficient Gift To North Korean Women Leader” Mr. Kim is said to be planning a vacation to celebrate his victory and get some much-needed rest and relaxation. Stops are planned in Damascus and Tehran to study some unique and innovative forms of detainment and torture. The more than three dozen Mrs. Kims are expected to accompany him on his travels.