Always wear proper protection when going swimming or just taking three steps out-of-doors. You never can be too careful. Skin cancer lurks around every corner.
Dress your cat in a ridiculous outfit as part of some insane show of solidarity with Ukrainian protestors.
Emulate Peter Falk as “Columbo” by asking yet another in a string of irritating rhetorical questions just as your loved one thinks he has finally escaped your soul-crushing daily interrogation for a few moments.
Never throw away the restraints you used on your kids when they were young. They could come in handy when troublesome adult offspring show up at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
If you ever find yourself on the wrong side of the law because of some minor infraction or misunderstanding, come up with a disguise that will make you blend in with the general public.
Become so obsessed with a 1/4 inch-square discoloration on your ceiling that you send your cat up to inspect it and confirm your worst fears. Ignore trivial events such as the shock-wave about to hit the house from the incineration of a nearby air force base caused by the detonation of a Russian ICBM.
React with disgust and abject fear to events that normal people find fun and amusing.
Re-write history whenever it suits your needs or political agenda. Remember, there is no absolute truth except what resides within your smaller than average brain.
Always stop in the middle of sentences and walk away leaving friends and loved ones confused as to just what the fuck you were trying to say.
Harshly criticize those whom you have driven to substance abuse by your neurotic behavior over the years. Recommend that they seek the treatment that you yourself need so badly.
Use your selective memory to conveniently forget that anyone other than yourself has ever had a good idea.
Try for three hours straight to force your uncooperative 31 lb male cat into an unnatural position in order to get that cherished Christmas card photo
Insist on flipping all the breakers to the “on” position while Mexican workers are remodeling your home so that you can read Bill O’Reilly’s latest children’s book. Don’t worry: the subsequent fire damage and emergency room bills will be covered by insurance.
Humiliate your dog in order to make him appear to be some kind of perverse canine Santa Claus
Purchase some God-awfully expensive piano for your home that will be used once per year at the most. Force your apathetic children and grandchildren to take lessons from a defrocked Catholic priest who looks like a serial killer.
Teeter on the precipice of deep depression when the stock market takes a slight dip and you lose 35 cents after years of making enormous profits on your investments. Be sure to bemoan your losses to neighboring millionaires from the open window of your $75,000 Mercedes
Corner the befuddled foreman of your Latin American work crew and berate him for using Spanish to instruct his staff on how you want things done. People speaking other languages makes you feel insecure and inadequate. Besides, anyone who has the privilege of stepping one foot into the United States should have the decency to speak English. Don’t these damn foreigners have any manners at all?
Management tip of the week: If you plan to hire someone to do minor repairs in your home, spend hundreds of dollars doing criminal background and credit-score checks on every employee of the company. Demand to see every receipt and record the activity of anyone who enters your home with a video camera. Follow all the workmen around like canines following a bitch in heat. If there are more than a couple of workers, recruit your elderly aunts to help. Continuously make suggestions on how the workers could improve their efficiency even though you have no idea what the fuck they are doing. People love being educated by others who have no clue what is going on.
Tips For Bad Living is reprinted by permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication of Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.