WASHINGTON, D.C.-While attending the annual reactionary conservative love-fest known as “CPAC” this week, lawmakers from Arizona, Oklahoma, Missouri, and several “Bible Belt” states are meeting in private to discuss the possibility of seceding from the Union and forming a “New Confederacy.” Many up-and-coming right-wing state officials are expected to attend.
The representatives from the various states are said to be alarmed and disgusted by the societal evolution that continues to occur apace despite their best efforts to return to the Middle Ages. Most of the delegates point to the dangerous ideas of personal liberty, freedom, and equality spawned by the Enlightenment in the 17th and 18th centuries as being the root cause of all that is going wrong in America.
The proposed plan, hatched by State Senator Joe Imbecile (R), from Puerile, Arizona and State Representative Frank Encephalitis (R), from Syphilis Springs, Oklahoma has gained momentum in recent weeks. Senator Imbecile held a brief press conference this morning before going into his first meeting. He said that people across the country felt that a crescendo of doom was building from which there would be no escape. “First we gave women the vote, then it was equal treatment under the law for negras, then the Federal Government tried to take away our crew-served machine guns and bazookas. Now they are trying to shove affordable health care and gay marriage down our throats. Next thing you know people will be having sex with porcupines on the town square!”
Senator Imbecile briefly outlined a proposal in which like-minded regions, mostly in the south and southwest, would secede and join together to form the “Neo Confederacy.” The regions would be formed into new states and would have independent governments, which would allow each particular region to be its own small laboratory of bigotry and oppression. The states would be overseen by a weak federal government which would only come into play if the states came under threat from the outside. Although most delegates consider any form of federal government to be the very embodiment of evil, it was felt that the threat of progress, reason, and personal liberty seeping in from more enlightened states on the border was just too great to ignore. The skeletal federal government of the new nation would only be there to protect the fledgling states and enforce some basic laws common to them all. These would include but not be limited to: denial of civil rights to all minorities, the mandatory ownership of automatic weapons from the age of twelve, the immediate expulsion or execution of all homosexuals, strict adherence to the Ten Commandments (in public), and the return of women to their correct Biblical role in society, that of mother and housekeeper. Abortion of any type would of course be outlawed in the new nation.
When asked about the size and scope of the new federal system, Senator Imbecile evaded the question and preferred instead to emphasize the glorious diversity that the new plan would foster. “Some states, like Arizona for example, might want to concentrate on abusing and running off gays and Mexicans,” said Imbecile. “Others may want to strip black folks of the right to vote, and still others might want to emphasize that women have no legal right to use so-called “marital aids,” which of course makes us guys real insecure. I know for example that Senator Scrotum from Toxic Cove, Florida wants to make sure his constituents can still gun down minorities on a whim. So as you can clearly see, we are a very diverse group of people with diverse backgrounds and interests. What ties us all together is a deep and abiding bigotry, tribalism and hatred of all change.”
Most of the meetings will be held in nearby Colonial Williamsburg so the delegates can revel in the past and all its glories. However, some of the events will take place at a new facility; Archaic and Outdated Ideas Theme Park and Resort located in Chlamydia Hollow, Maryland. “We wanted to make sure everyone felt at home and relaxed as we discussed plans for the future,” said Senator Billy Bob Buttplug of Festering Swamp, South Carolina, entertainment director for the convention.
The keynote speaker for the convention will be historical revisionist and insane person Glenn Beck. The meetings begin today and a kickoff party is scheduled for tonight featuring a gala book burning of subversive literature such as The Catcher in the Rye, On the Origin of Species, and Animal Farm. The servers for the various banquets that are scheduled during the week will be intensely screened to prevent any homosexual deviants from infiltrating the convention. No alcoholic beverages will be served at any of the public gatherings. However, liquor, prostitutes, illegal drugs and contraceptives will be provided free of charge to all attendees in private hotel suites away from the prying eyes of journalists and photographers.
Televangelists will be available to provide advice to the younger delegates on how to justify their “sinful” activity without harboring any guilt. The more experienced politicians will conduct seminars on how to lie to the media and spouses regarding various perversions and the use of illegal drugs.