WASHINGTON, D.C.-At a hastily called briefing this morning, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that President Obama was recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from Kiev. Carney informed the White House Press Corps that he would be replaced by a gentleman “that really seems to know how to get things done.”
The new negotiator, known only as “Brick Top,” is a British gangland figure infamous for his strong-arm diplomacy in the underworld. “Brick Top will go over there and kick Putin’s shirtless ass,” said Carney. “The President has had it about up to here with Kerry’s ‘please and thank you’ pansy-ass diplomacy. It’s time to get tough with that megalomaniacal half-naked Cossack!”
“Brick Top” made a brief appearance in front of journalists at the State Department briefing room before catching Air Force Two for Ukraine. In a prepared statement he offered his opinions on the situation; “I plan on going over there and giving Vlad the Invader two options: withdraw or become dinner for my pigs.” “Brick Top” appeared to become agitated as he continued, “I intend to become Vladimir Putin’s arch nemesis. Do you twits in the press know what ‘nemesis’ means? It means ‘a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent’. Personified in this case by a horrible cunt…me.”
At this point Fox News reporter James Rosen, who happened to be present at the briefing, interrupted “Brick Top” and asked, “But what about the Secretary of State, will this not make him look like some sort of fag?”
“Brick Top” reacted to Rosen’s unfortunate interruption by hurling a crystal paperweight in his direction and shouting, “Listen you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not! You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacob’s off! Furthermore, the next time you use that homophobic slur you’re going to become lunch meat! Some of my best henchmen are gay.”
Rosen tried to respond, “But I think…”
“Brick Top” cut him off saying, “It can get you in a lot of trouble, thinking, James, I shouldn’t do so much of it if I were you. Now as I was saying, Putin can either pull his dick out of Crimea or have it cut off and served up medium rare to my little piggies. And that’s about all I have to say except that you pompous-ass pricks in the press are on thin ice with me, my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now FUCK OFF!”
“Brick Top” was then escorted out of the room by a small army of huge tattooed thugs and set off for Air Force Two. Secretary of State Kerry is scheduled to oversee the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parade in South Boston as consolation for being so rudely recalled from Kiev.