Florida Lawmakers Decide To Execute All Uninsured Residents Using New “Put ‘Em In The Ground” Law


Florida governor and Aztec snake god Rick Scott

TALLAHASSEE-The moronathon that is the Florida legislature has passed a bill today that calls for the immediate execution of all of its citizens who are currently uninsured. Governor Rick Scott (R), a supporter of the bill, is set to sign the legislation on Friday.

Opponents of the bill are outraged and are calling for intervention by the Federal government.

One of the co-sponsors of the bill, Senator Frankie-Bob McTurd of Running Sore Springs spoke to a gathering of journalists late this afternoon. “We have a big problem down here with lazy shiftless poor people cluttering up our state. Do you know that there are 3.8 million people here that are too damn poor to afford health insurance? It’s a damn disgrace! The “Stand Your Ground” law has helped some by allowing us to shoot some of them negras and other minorities, but it just ain’t enough.”

Another sponsor, State Representative Billy Wayne Scrotum of Hemorrhoid Beach, agreed. “We’re doing our best to kill-off the downtrodden by fighting Obamacare tooth and nail. We refused to expand Medicaid, and then we intentionally refused to comply with Medicaid law by limiting emergency room visits. We’re sacrificing millions of federal bucks in order to try to wipe out these vermin, but the process is just too dern slow. So we decided to get this over with once and fer all. We all got together and came up with the “Put ‘Em In The Ground” law. I’m right proud to say I done writ part of it!”

The new legislation will authorize a roundup of every Florida resident who is currently uninsured, about 25% of the total population. The slothful and indolent scum will be placed in concentration camps throughout Cretonia where they will be “processed” as soon as time allows. In the meantime they’ll simply be starved or used to feed giant reptiles in nearby alligator farms.

“I think this is a solution that at least 75 percent of us can live with,” said Governor and Imperial Serpent Head Rick Scott. “I always pay my own damn bill when I go to see my herpetologist and I think everyone else should as well. The Sunshine State is a wonderful place to live and we want to everyone to be able to come visit and enjoy our beautiful beaches without having to worry about destitute individuals clogging up our hospitals or pain clinics.”


Governor Scott devoured a whole baby rabbit before closing the press conference. He will not need to feed again for several weeks.

When asked about the political ramifications of the move, Scott said, “I’m confident with the help of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News, we in the Republican party can continue to count on deluding the vast majority of Floridians into voting against their economic interests. The future is always bright in Florida!”

The press conference closed with a brief ceremony during which Governor Scott consumed a live baby rabbit. The politicians then slithered out of the room.

One thought on “Florida Lawmakers Decide To Execute All Uninsured Residents Using New “Put ‘Em In The Ground” Law

  1. On the plus side, thanks to the beaches in Daytona, the cretins are allowed to purge themselves with their own minivans.

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