AUSTIN-Recent rumors that Texas Representative Steve Stockman (R) is in reality some sort of shape-shifting xenomorph from outer space appear to have been confirmed this week as photos of him in various states of metamorphosis have surfaced. Mr. Stockman’s wild antics in Congress and his lack of any coherent thought process, combined with his insane neo-fascist political stances, have long led some to believe that he is a member of an alien race masquerading as a human being.
Although many have had their doubts about the terrestrial ancestry of the Texas delegation in general and Stockman in particular, no proof has ever been presented to the general public that Stockman was anything other than an average Tea Party dullard, albeit a colorful one. However, his wild ravings, complete lack of compassion and empathy for human beings, and his weird obsession with Twitter led some intrepid journalists and photographers to dig deeper.
Our ace political reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker has been working on the “Stockman conundrum” for quite some time now. With the help of members of the Millennium Group and a shadowy photographer known only as “The Riddler,” he has come up with some answers.
Bruce was able to meet with the mysterious photographer “The Riddler” in a highly segregated “whites-only” suburb north of Atlanta, Georgia. He was able to obtain photographs made using secret technology developed by the research and development division of the “Millennium Group.” The photos show a very different Steve Stockman than the one elected to the U.S. House by the good citizens of Texas. In the photos, Stockman can be seen in many of his different forms, and some even catch him in the act of shape-shifting.
It seems that Stockman is able to metamorphose into different body shapes and even different alien species. Sometimes Stockman allows humans to see him as he really is, while at other times he uses massive clouds of narcotic flatulence to mask his appearance and mesmerize nearby humans. The toxic gas makes them highly susceptible to suggestion which helps to explain Stockman’s puzzling popularity with otherwise rational Texans.
Stockman’s ability to appear rational and productive at times has served him well and even taken him to the halls of power in Washington, D.C. However, according to “The Coyote,” it is all just a clever facade that masks a boiling mass of malevolent protoplasm.
Stockman has used his shape-shifting talents to fool large voting blocs in Texas into electing him on two different occasions, once in the 9th District and more recently in the 36th District. He is currently running against incumbent John Cornyn in the Republican primary for Senate.
Experts are worried that a large enough discharge of Stockman’s noxious gas at a convention center or campaign rally could tip the balance and Texans could be deluded into making him the state’s second senator from outer space. “Such a result could endanger not only Texas but the entire United States,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center for Sanity in Politics. “We can’t risk it. Someone has to take action and get these creatures out of politics. It may be a job for our special forces troops or maybe we can ask Putin if we could borrow some of those Spetsnaz dudes after they get through in Crimea.”
Some scientists speculate that many other representatives of the Tea Party and other right-wing factions are in reality also members of this baleful species from another galaxy, bent on the destruction of all that is good and redeeming about humanity. Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) and Representative Louis Gohmert (R-TX) are also on the list of suspected xenomorphs. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is thought to be a female member of the race and may even be the queen regnant.