NEW YORK-Friday, on her nightly Obama hate-fest, Greta Van Susteren of Fox News announced that her crack team of investigators had obtained a copy of a “secret memo” sent from Vladimir Putin to selected members of the Russian Duma outlining his intentions a la Ukraine and Crimea. The memo leaked out because a member of “The Committee of Public Safety” code-named “Danton” objected to Putin’s use of military force.
According to Greta, Putin stated in the memo; “The American imperialist dogs have become weak and spineless because of the Muslim negro Obama’s attempt to provide healthcare to the unfortunate victims of their corrupt capitalist society. The lack of response to the Benghazi terrorist attack is clear evidence that the once powerful American swine have no stomach left for a fight after the ill-advised wars in Afganistan and Iraq. Now is the time comrades! Let us regain our natural place in the world by invading and subjugating countries who could benefit from our culture of chess grandmasters, manic-depressive literature, excellent vodka, and our nuclear reactor design expertise! The Muslim protozoa Obama will not dare to respond!”
A panel of distinguished experts on the show agreed. The well-paid group of doltish pundits emphasized that the Russian incursion into Crimea had nothing to do with Putin’s desire to secure and protect Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Sevastopol. They also assured Fox’s elderly white audience Putin’s actions had nothing to do with Russia’s traditional sphere of influence in Ukraine. No, it was all about Obama, vortex of all evil in the modern world.
Greta stated that the memo detailed Putin’s plans to sweep into western Europe after Ukraine had been successfully taken back into the fold. According to Van Susteren, drunken, power-mad hordes of invincible Russian infantry will then invade Poland and the Baltic countries. Russian armored columns will form a veritable “steamroller to Berlin” just like in 1945.
Greta and her simple-minded and vacuous panel came to the unfortunate conclusion that America as we know it has very little time left. In only five short years President Obama has managed to wreck all that is good about the United States. It will be up to Republican governors to try to save what is left of America when the savage saber-wielding Cossacks arrive on our shores to rape and pillage our beautiful land. In short, we are doomed.