DEFUNIAK SPRINGS-A violent gang of young “grey supremacist” squirrels has finally been run to ground and will face substantial prison terms for an early 2013 home invasion robbery in Santa Rosa Beach. The eight defendants showed no remorse as Judge Billy Bob McSneed of Walton County read the sentences aloud in front of a packed courtroom.
“Cheeky” the leader of the gang, a huge fox squirrel covered in tattoos, was sentenced to ten years. Six other gang members were sentenced to five-year terms. “Benedict,” a six month old who turned state’s evidence and testified against his partners in crime, received a suspended sentence and will be under house arrest for two years. He will have to wear a paw monitor for the entire probationary period.
The squirrels were convicted of the February 12th, 2013 home invasion robbery of the Dickerson estate in Santa Rosa Beach. Jerry Dickerson, editor of the Times-Picayune and all-around wonderful guy (known in the panhandle as God’s gift to women) was home alone at the time. “They came in like something out of Zero Dark Thirty,” said Mr. Dickerson. I have not seen that level of callous indifference since I was late to one of Mr. Watkin’s chemistry classes back in 1975. I tried to resist, but one of the larger squirrels put his incisors to my neck and threatened to slice my jugular if I moved an inch. They grabbed everything that was not nailed down and stuffed it into their cheeks. It was terrifying!”
The home invasion in Santa Rosa was part of a string of robberies and assaults dating back to 2011 when it is believed the gang was formed. “Benedict” met with the media at a brief press conference after the sentences were read. He told reporters that he was a young and naive squirrel when he “broke bad” and joined the gang. “I really don’t believe in all that ‘Grey Power’ crap. I even tried to get Cheeky to slow down and back-off. I told him we could make a living like other squirrels, collecting nuts and pine cones and stuff. But he was having none of it. I told him we shouldn’t try for another one of those homes on 30-A, but he got all pissed off when Mrs Dickerson pulled down the bird feeders.”
It seems that a group of woodrats had invaded the Dickerson’s attic and were living it up on the sunflower seeds that were meant for the bird population. Mrs Dickerson finally had enough after the undocumented rodents had a late-night party on the ceiling of her bedroom. She took action the next day and removed the feeders.
“Cheeky just went out of his mind,” said Benedict. “What you have to understand is that we depended on those feeders for our supper. He called us all together in a nearby live oak and told us how all the woodrats coming up from the south were taking our jobs, food, and even our women. He also told us that they didn’t pay taxes, used emergency rooms every time they got sick, and almost all of them voted Democrat. Now the damn illegal rats had ruined a good food source by being so greedy. That really got the gang ready to take action. Cheeky can be very charismatic.”
The gang has escaped the icy grip of the law on numerous occasions in the past because of their ability to disappear from crime scenes and melt into the woods like grey ghosts. The thugs also intimidated witnesses by leaving piles of half eaten sunflower seeds on their doorsteps and taunting them from nearby trees as they went to work. Many thought the string of robberies and assaults would forever go unpunished.
However, late this fall officers from the Florida Fish and Game Commission trapped the gang in the Pine Log State Forest as part of “Operation Nutcracker.” Three gang members were shot and killed during the operation and ended up in the deputies’ stew pots. Two officers were injured when in desperation the gang chewed through a large branch and it came crashing down on the officers’ heads. In the end the gang gave themselves up one by one and came down the trunk of a large loblolly pine with their tails between their legs. The only holdout was Cheeky and he was later tasered out of the tree.
The Florida Department of Corrections will now take custody of the gang members and it will no doubt put extra strain on the system to have such a violent group of individuals behind bars. The Florida prison system is already full to bursting with inmates serving lengthy terms for minor drug offenses and traffic violations. The group will no doubt be split up and distributed to various facilities within the massive labyrinthine money pit. Once there they will no doubt get a much-needed lesson on race relations.