OUTSIDE THE PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN-At a press conference earlier today, Celestial Press Secretary and Director of Communications Archangel Gabriel announced that Jesus has traded in his old warhorse “Traveler” for a young Tyrannosaur named “Clyde.” The change of steeds is part of an overhaul of weapons systems and military buildup as the ramp-up for the Second Coming continues. The ubiquitous Holy Spirit has authorized Saint Homobonus, patron saint of commerce, to divert funds from education and social welfare programs and instead pump the cash into the military-ecclesiastical complex.
Gabriel explained the reason for the change of steeds. “The messiahraptor family of conveyances offers a number of advantages over the old equine models. For one thing, the rapturesaurus gives the King of Kings a higher vantage point and clear fields of fire for his AK-47. He’ll be able to pump lead down into hordes of the unfaithful far more efficiently than before. Although ‘Clyde’ can’t match ‘Traveler’s’ top speed, he more than makes up for it by being able to devour fleeing heretics with his four-foot mouth and nine-inch long razor-sharp teeth.”
Some journalists seemed to doubt Gabriel’s credibility because the administration’s swerve towards militarism did not gibe with what they had been taught all their lives. Agnostus Dubiousus of Catholic Digest said, “Jesus is commonly known as ‘The Prince of Peace.’ The New Testament paints a very different picture of Our Savior than you do Gabriel.”
Gabriel, well-known for his short temper and propensity to reduce entire cities to smoking ruins at the slightest provocation, answered irritably “Look you talking monkey, do you believe everything you read in comic books? Every one of those essays and short stories was written by someone in a sagging skin suit just like you have on. I’m giving you the straight dope on what’s about to happen to you monkey-boys. It’s your choice whether you want to believe it or not. Remember, freedom of choice is what got us into all this mess to begin with!”
Archangel Michael, who was also present, told reporters that the campaign will kick-off “sometime in the very near future.” For an angel this could mean anytime between tomorrow and when our sun burns out, so no one really knows when the Lamb of God will loose the rain of brimstone on our temporal heads. Michael did announce that the crusade will begin in Arizona, “to get rid of that abomination they call a senate,” and end up at Lucifer’s headquarters on earth: 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York.
Saint Benedict the Moor, Minister of Urban Culture, ended the press conference by saying, “I really don’t give you guys much of a chance considering what you are up against, but if you survive long enough you have to check out J.C. on his new J-Rex. He’s gonna be stylin’!”