PHOENIX-Republican state senators, frustrated by Governor Jan Brewer’s pragmatic veto of their bigoted anti-gay laws and desperate to stamp out societal progress in all its forms, are discussing proposals for legislation that would change the form of Arizona’s government. Yearning for the “good old days” of feudalistic society, the legislation would bring back a system where nobles (right wing politicians and bureaucrats in this case) and church officials would rule by divine fiat. The proposed laws would usher in a new “Dark Age” in Arizona and have been severely criticized by the more enlightened members of the legislature.
The legislative package is co-sponsored by Senator Phil Scrotum (R-Snaketown) and Senator Ralph Smegma (R-Bagdad), two politicians well-known for their reactionary views. The new system would allow the neo-nobility and representatives of the church to rule by “Divine Right.” The two groups would have weekly meetings and cooperate to issue edicts to the general population concerning all aspects of everyday life. The edicts would then be enforced by a huge contingent of armed thugs wearing stylish new uniforms adorned with symbols of the church.
“God hates fags and illegal immigrants,” said Senator Scrotum during a recent appearance on Glenn Beck’s radio program. “We can’t sit still for Brewer’s veto of our state-saving anti-gay legislation. She should not be governor anyway. It says quite clearly in the Bible that women are the ‘weaker vessel’ and should obey the men.”
Senator Smegma, who was also on the show, said “Phil is right! God hates fags, illegal aliens, Injuns, drug users, poor people, black folks, liberals, climate scientists, evolutionary biologists, and just about everyone in the Pacific Northwest. He also wants women stay where they belong; at home raising the kids.” Senator Smegma seemed to lose his composure a bit at this point as he raised his voice and said “But most of all God hates Obamacare and MSNBC!”
An integral part of the new legislation involves instilling abject fear in the general population. “The good citizens of Arizona have to realize that we know what is best for them, and disobeying our commands will result in the most severe punishment. Therefore we intend to bring back public executions. We have plans to construct a new square in downtown Phoenix for just this purpose. It will feature refreshments for the kids and religious trinkets and reading material for the adults. We conducted an online poll and the consensus is that the guillotine would be the best method for dispatching evildoers and heretics,” said Senator Scrotum.
Glenn Beck was mightily impressed by the plans and expressed his enthusiasm several times during the broadcast. “I really think you guys are on the right track! Have you sought any guidance from fanatical religious scholars or historical revisionists like I do on occasion?”
“Yes,” said Senator Smegma. “We’ve made contact with high-ranking members of the Taliban to get advice, seeing as how our views on gay rights and equality for women coincide with theirs in so many ways. They’ve been a great help. We also have aides working with historians specializing in the study of the Old South plantation system. We want their input as well. We have great confidence that we can maintain and improve the tried and true ‘old white male’ power structure. The future for Arizona looks very bright indeed.”
The bulging package of legislative reform has been dubbed the “Scrotum-Smegma Bill” and is scheduled to come up for a vote early next month.