Before frying foods on a gas range, always spread out a shitload of newspaper for easy cleanup after fire and ambulance crews have departed
Always check the manufacturer’s date on every fucking item you purchase from chewing gum to bottled water
Keep pets in a kennel from birth till death so they will not mess up the house
Vacuum stove after every use
Be sure to drain pool every evening and refill it every morning so the brats next door don’t break in and drown while you are trying to sleep
Always triple-check the locks on every door and window in your home at least seven times before retiring each night. Remember, safety first!
Never risk injury to yourself: you are far too important. Be sure to recruit your elderly parents or grandparents to complete hazardous tasks such as reorganizing seldom used cabinets
Always hide porn in a place where kids can’t find it
Worry about things that are you are unable to control
Predict disastrous outcomes for every idea or project someone else comes up with
Always try to control the thoughts and actions of those around you, especially loved ones. Remember, your opinion means more than everyone else’s put together
Try to spend most of your adult life locked inside your home cleaning and scrubbing things that are already clean. Avoid uncontrolled environments like the out-of-doors. You can learn all you need to know about the world from Fox News
Most importantly, be sure to always project a negative, pessimistic attitude and try to drag down those around you into a pit of despair
Management tip of the week: If you assign a chore to a family member and they complete it too quickly, assume they have done a poor job and criticize them mercilessly. If the relative completes the job too slowly, he is a lazy bastard and should be criticized with just as much venom. Remember, no one can do a job as well as you can, regardless of your lack of experience or expertise.
Tips For Bad Living are reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, Inc.