NEW YORK-Fox News anchor and giant horse’s anus Bill O’Reilly announced on his show last night that he will be auctioning off various personal items each week on a new segment of his show entitled “Barfing Points.” All the proceeds for the items will be given to charity. The huge amounts garnered for each worthless article will be announced at maximum volume by the pompous ass himself so everyone will know of his selfless contributions to the unfortunate.
O’Reilly is set to kick-off the new segment early next week by auctioning off a pair of old socks and a worn-out bathrobe. The misogynistic curmudgeon told Fox’s racial sensitivity expert and egomaniac Megyn Kelly that he wanted to stick with items of interest to his core audience. Denture cream, Fleet enemas, adult diapers, and his own personal Hoveround top the list. As a special St. Patrick’s Day treat, O’Reilly plans to auction-off his prefrontal cortex and some other unused portions of his brain.
Later this year the megalomaniacal pundit plans to start auctioning off his household garbage to the highest bidder. “I generate a huge quantity of garbage, and I’m talking about at home, not all that twaddle you hear coming out of my mouth on the show. I know how much everyone loves and respects me, so I just figured that the things I no longer need, like empty Viagra bottles, could be bought and treasured by my fans. It’s all for a good cause. The greater glorification of yours truly, Mr. Bill O’Reilly, the living Son of God.