SANTA ROSA BEACH-Jesus has shocked and stunned members of the Family Research Council, born-again Christians, and arms manufacturers around the world by ditching his old weapon of choice, the ArmaLite AR-15, in favor of a standard paratrooper model of the venerable Kalashnikov AK-47, made famous by Viet Cong guerillas and terrorists around the world. Executive Vice President of the FRC, Lieutenant General Jerry Boykin (retired) is said to be in a state of shock and denial calling the decision “irrational and counter-productive.”
Last fall at a meeting of the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference General Boykin explained to captivated lawmakers his interpretation of Revelation 19. General Boykin said that Jesus was going to return as “a mighty warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse wearing a blood-stained white robe…I believe that blood on his robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword. And I believe now-I’ve checked this out-I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back will be an AR-15.”
Clearly General Boykin believes that Jesus will return as one pissed-off Savior.
Boykin continued his soliloquy: “Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? From the Founding Fathers, it’s in the Constitution. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples ‘now if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.'”
General Boykin clearly put his reputation as a Biblical scholar on the line at that conference last fall. And that’s not all. General Boykin has an advertising deal with several arms manufacturers in the U.S. and everyone expected a windfall during the Second Coming. ArmaLite, Colt, and the National Rifle Association had all pinned their hopes on favorable press when Jesus came back totin’ an American-made weapon. One can easily see that Jesus’ decision to deep-six his AR-15 in favor of a “commie” rifle has so upset General Boykin.
We at the Times-Picayune felt that such an important story deserved more research so we contacted the Archangel Michael, aka “The Enforcer” for more information regarding Jesus’ momentous decision. Michael stated, “Well, it really boiled down to dependability. The AR-15 has a tendency to jam in certain situations whereas the AK is about as dependable as they come. You can run over the damn thing with a tank and it will still fire. After all, we don’t want Our Lord and Savior to be confronted by a screaming horde of homosexual Muslim Democrats and then have his weapon jam at the critical moment.”
Jesus’ change of weapon will no doubt have far-reaching effects on the U.S. economy and American prestige on the world stage. General Boykin is said to be in seclusion somewhere in Mississippi suffering from depression. An aide told reporters that Jesus’ “unwise and poorly thought-out” decision in no way changed General Boykin’s positions on the Second Amendment, gay marriage, intelligent design, abortion, women’s rights, or the death penalty. “The general formed his archaic and wacked-out ideas long ago and not even the Savior of Mankind is going to make him doubt his decision-making,” said the aide.
We will provide updates as they become available.