Editor’s Note: As part of our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement we are dredging up interesting stories from the recent past involving “peace officers” and some of their unfortunate victims. Residents of Greater Cretonia will be well aware of some of these stories but we did not want to miss the chance of enlightening our national and international readers. This story first appeared in the fall of 2012.
TAMPA-Two off-duty cops “fatally killed” a naked woman at a social gathering Saturday afternoon in Hernando County, north of Tampa. A news release from the Hernando County Sheriff’s department stated that the men were approached by an “armed, naked, and irrational female.” The two men felt they had no choice but draw their weapons and fire.
The two lawmen were identified as Detective Rocky “Winchester” Howard of the Hernando County Sheriff’s Department and Officer William “Machine Gun” Mechler of the Tampa Police Department. The woman has not been identified pending notification of next of kin.
The two officers in question appeared at a brief press conference outside a Tampa Waffle House before going on paid administrative leave as required by the labyrinthine criminal justice system in Florida. Detective Howard stated, “The woman was totally naked. She approached us and brandished the vagina in a threatening and malevolent manner. There was no way for us to tell at the time whether it was loaded or just what her intentions were. However, I have been married three times and know full well just how dangerous a vagina can be. We were mortified and unfortunately felt we had no choice but to give the woman a few extra holes.”
Officer Mechler told reporters “I have never seen a vagina out in the open like that. Usually crimes like this are limited to the bedroom or one of our numerous strip-clubs. I was out of my mind with fear. It’s a damn good thing we were carrying our weapons. I don’t know what would have happened if we had not been at the party. A loose vagina wandering around the neighborhood unchecked could have caused massive property damage and posed a threat to the liberty of every man within a ten-mile radius.”
A spokesperson for Hernando County told reporters that the Florida Department of Law Enforcement will lead the investigation into the shooting, thus insuring that the two officers will be cleared of any wrongdoing. Some bystanders questioned the use of deadly force because the woman was “just doing what she does every time she consumes her daily bottle of ‘Don Cossack’ vodka.”
The shooting comes only two weeks after University of South Alabama freshman Gil Morgan was shot dead by campus police after brandishing a penis in a “vile and threatening manner.”
Governor Rick Scott issued a press release warning all law enforcement agencies that Florida and areas adjacent in Greater Cretonia seem to be in the middle of a crime spree featuring the use of sexual organs as deadly weapons. He has set up a meeting with lawmakers to push a bill in the state legislature which would shut down every adult novelty store within the state and ban the use of the prescription medication Viagra. “I hope this bill will be as effective as the law we passed earlier this year which made physicians around the state absolutely terrified to prescribe pain medication to anyone at all, even cancer patients with only weeks to live. We would also move to shut down all the state’s strip clubs if they did not represent such an integral part of Florida culture and provide such impressive tax revenues. The good citizens of Florida deserve to live their lives free from the threat of exposed sexual organs!”