Florida Cops Jailed Because Of “Slightly Unusual Activity”

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Editor’s Note: We realize that this story will be old news to most of  our readers in Greater Cretonia but being the subversive liberals that we are we could not resist kicking off our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement with this gem. So enjoy!

LAUDERHILL, FL-A May 24th, 2012 traffic stop eventually led to disaster for the two police officers pictured above. Officer Thomas Merenda (left) and Officer Franklin Hartley (right) were jailed earlier last year for actions that a police spokesman called “a little outside the realm of normal police duties.”

It seems that two women were pulled over by Officer Merenda and told to follow him into a nearby parking lot. The women had been drinking at one of the over six dozen strip clubs located in the area. As frequenting strip clubs is a common and encouraged practice within the state, the women were perplexed as to the reason for the stop. Officer Merenda informed the women that although he appreciated their interest in the female anatomy, he could not tolerate their obviously high blood-alcohol level and threatened to jail them if they did not “cooperate.”

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Officer misconduct often stems from the manner in which new officers are recruited. This recruiting poster for Bay County was accompanied by an ad in the local paper touting the job saying “Be your own boss! Get the best dope! Company car provided with a variety of weapons and a go-go cage for late night entertainment! More info at iwannabeacop.org

Apparently fearing that he was not man enough to handle two “wildcats” at the same time, Officer Merenda contacted his buddy Officer Hartley for backup. Hartley arrived shortly thereafter and the party commenced. According to arrest reports, Hartley ordered one of the lucky gals to perform oral sex on him. This done, he then proceeded to have intercourse with the woman in the vacant parking lot, which of course is considered a very romantic setting by many citizens throughout Greater Cretonia.

Officer Merenda, being the more unconventional of the pair, demanded that the other woman “punch him in the nuts.” By this he meant that he wanted the woman to strike his groin area with great force and enthusiasm with her fist or any handy blunt instrument. The woman complied with Officer Merenda’s wishes and everyone went home happy. Or so the officers thought.

Later, the women reported the incident to authorities and an investigation was reluctantly begun. It seems that copious evidence proving the veracity of the women’s statement was uncovered in the form of women’s undergarments, DNA, etc., at the crime scene. The GPS monitors on the officer’s cruisers confirmed that the party in the parking lot lasted roughly an hour and a half.

A spokesman for the Lauderhill Police Department told reporters that information had been uncovered regarding Officer Merenda’s masochistic tendencies and that somehow he had slipped through the screening process. “We really like our officers to be a little more conventional when it comes to their sexual preferences. However, we want to emphasize that the department is not here to tell anyone, including our officers, what they should do within the privacy of their own bedroom or in any nearby parking lots.”

After exhaustive research (one Google search) we here at the Times-Picayune have been unable to determine if the case has yet gone to trial. The officers were arrested last August. The case and charges against the officers may have been “disappeared” as is so often the case in Florida. Officer misconduct, as we shall see over the next week, continues to be a problem throughout Cretonia because of low pay, long hours and hazardous working conditions offered to young officers. It is not easy policing a population that reminds one of a pack of Neandertals drinking Budweiser and packing automatic weapons. However, “hope springs eternal,” and we all optimistically await a bright and sunny future for Florida. (If we manage to elect some Democrats)

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