ATLANTA, GA-Law enforcement authorities in Atlanta have issued a new bulletin regarding the be-headings and massive loss of life suffered within the city in recent weeks. It seems that the deadly and malevolent feline “Nosferatu” has not been operating solo. According to an anonymous tipster, a vicious dachshund named “Gus” has been helping the cat perpetrate its murderous rampage.
The dachshund’s owners, Bruce and Deena Becker, have flatly denied that “Gus” had any role to play in the reign of terror that has descended on the city in recent weeks. “Gus is a sweetheart and would never even harm a fly,” said Mrs Becker. “We raised him to be a perfect gentleman and he would not be caught dead carousing with some homicidal feline.” Mr. Becker was unavailable for comment because his short attention span precludes the use of telephonic devices.
The Becker’s denials of wrongdoing notwithstanding, veteran reporters from UPI have produced photographic evidence from within the combat zone that points to the dachshund’s involvement. It seems that “Gus” has been cooperating with “Nosferatu” for over two months. He has a slightly different MO in that he prefers to decapitate his victim and parade around with the corpse in his mouth in order to instill terror in the residents who are still alive.
“We have not seen this level of savagery since Ray Lewis was in town for Superbowl XXXIV,” said Atlanta Police Chief George Turner. This dastardly dachshund must think he’s Robespierre or something. There are human heads on pikes all up and down Peachtree Street. First the ice storms and now this horror! We need the Feds to get here with help as fast as they can.”
Always the optimist, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed stated at a recent press conference, “I know the situation seems bleak at this time, but just think of all the extra business Publix and Kroger have done over recent weeks. That means extra tax dollars for our community. Plus, with everyone absolutely terrified to go outdoors, traffic has been excellent! I’m sure that when the army arrives late next week all will return to the normal chaotic state of affairs.”
Editor’s note for our readers within the State of Florida: The correct spelling of the breed of dog in question is indeed dachshund and NOT dash-hound!