ATLANTA, GA-A murderous demon-possessed feline is on the loose in Atlanta and is wreaking havoc in neighborhoods along the I-20 corridor and nearby downtown connector. Little Five Points has been evacuated and Midtown is next. Residents of Metro Atlanta have been advised to buy huge quantities of milk and bread and stay in their homes.
“This is one hell of a lot more dangerous situation than a measly ice storm,” said Mayor Kasim Reed. “We have called out the national guard and have armored units surrounding the capital complex and the Centers for Disease Control. I want to emphasize that citizens should not stare blankly out their windows like they did at the snow because this monster takes control of your body using its hellish-looking eyeballs.”
The reign of terror began around six months ago when the cat’s owners, Matt and Susie McClendon, noticed that their adopted feline was bringing in an inordinate number of chipmunks and small rodents, then devouring them whole on the kitchen table. “First it was chipmunks and mice,” Mr. McClendon said. “Then it was raccoons, possums and foxes. It was when “Nosferatu” dragged in the neighbor’s 90 lb pit bull, ‘Killa’, that we became a little concerned. When the cat murdered and ate the couple across the street we felt like we had to inform the authorities.”
Susie McClendon added, “One day I found our maid in some kind of fugue state just staring at the wall with the vacuum in one hand. Nosferatu was on a nearby table getting ready to pounce. I barely had time to help her into her car and get her out of here. It was harrowing.”
All efforts to end the bloodbath have so far failed. A team of scientists at nearby Georgia Tech are working around the clock in the school’s fallout shelter to come up with some kind of weapon that will slow the cat down, but hope for saving the city is dwindling with every passing hour. The body count topped 25,000 Homo sapiens and untold numbers of other mammals over the weekend.
Federal authorities have been notified and are currently debating the use of an 80’s era neutron bomb. President Obama has appealed for calm in Atlanta as civil authority falls apart. Mayor Reed stated at a press conference on Monday,”Well that’s damn easy for him to say from the safety of Washington D.C. Let him come down here and let this fucking crazy cat get medieval on his ass. I bet he would be singing a little different tune then!”