SOCHI- Defuniak Springs, a sleepy hamlet in the heart of the Cretonian Panhandle, is home to our latest Olympic champion. The coveted gold medal in Winter Nagging went to resident Charlotte Ratched, a probation officer and part-time nurse at the facility where her husband is an outpatient. It’s the biggest news to hit the area since the Panhandle Possum Festival moved to nearby Wausau.
The obscure Olympic event was held at various isolated cabins in the snowy mountains north of the main venues. It consists of a female contestant being placed in an icebound cabin along with a retired USMC drill sergeant. The contestant who forces the retired Marine to beg for mercy in the shortest period of time wins the event. No physical contact is allowed and the event is closely monitored by judges via closed circuit cameras.
Mrs Ratched used derisive sarcasm, unrelenting mockery, caustic ridicule and venomous scorn to drive the poor drill sergeant to push the panic button in less than one hour. Her whining complaints, gripes, and grumbling could be heard over 3/4 of a mile away at the next cabin. By the time security reached the cabin Staff Sergeant Max Slaughter was standing at the edge of a precipice preparing to jump.
Mrs Ratched’s husband Bill was unable to attend the medal ceremony but we reached him by phone at the Walton County Mental Health Center just outside Defuniak Springs. “We are so proud of her. She has finally proved that she is the very best at what she does every day and night of her life. There is no subject known to science on which she is not an expert. She offers direction, instruction, and criticism on any and every project we ever do around here, regardless of her lack of experience. The woman is for all practical purposes omniscient.”
Her coach, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, was equally proud. “This woman has overcome a below average IQ and little formal education to reach the summit in her chosen sport and pastime. It reminds me so much of myself. I just can’t tell you how pleased we are.” Ms Coulter spent countless hours teaching Ratched the fine art of unfounded criticism, irrational attack, and acidic backbiting. Coulter will likely be credited with pushing Ratched over the top by revealing to Charlotte her secret method of minimal caloric intake in order to induce a constant state of irritability that is vital for competition-level nagging.
A gala welcome home festival is planned in Defuniak next week. The three major employers in the area, Walmart, the Florida Department of Corrections, and Jim Bob’s Leisure Suits, Taxidermy, and Small Engine Repair will sponsor the event.
Editor’s Note: Readers that grew up in the area may remember Bill Ratched as Bill Jones. He assumed his wife’s last name when they were married seven years ago. Bill told our reporter he did it out of respect, but his therapists think it was done out of “abject fear.” He is known around town simply as “Schmuck.” Rumors that Mr. Ratched was recently found in his garage with his car’s engine running cannot be confirmed at this time. Mr. Ratched was supposedly found after an incident at a local Pizza Hut in which Charlotte “got medieval on his ass.”