Jesus Trades Decrepit White Nag For Rapturesaurus As Part Of Military Buildup

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Jesus adopted Clyde from a “no-kill” animal shelter just after he was hatched

OUTSIDE THE PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN-At a press conference earlier today, Celestial Press Secretary and Director of Communications Archangel Gabriel announced that Jesus has traded in his old warhorse “Traveler” for a young Tyrannosaur named “Clyde.” The change of steeds is part of an overhaul of weapons systems and military buildup as the ramp-up for the Second Coming continues. The ubiquitous Holy Spirit has authorized Saint Homobonus, patron saint of commerce, to divert funds from education and social welfare programs and instead pump the cash into the military-ecclesiastical complex.

Gabriel explained the reason for the change of steeds. “The messiahraptor family of conveyances offers a number of advantages over the old equine models. For one thing, the rapturesaurus gives the King of Kings a higher vantage point and clear fields of fire for his AK-47. He’ll be able to pump lead down into hordes of the unfaithful far more efficiently than before. Although ‘Clyde’ can’t match ‘Traveler’s’ top speed, he more than makes up for it by being able to devour fleeing heretics with his four-foot mouth and nine-inch long razor-sharp teeth.”

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After Clyde graduated from obedience school he went through extensive dressage training

Some journalists seemed to doubt Gabriel’s credibility because the administration’s swerve towards militarism did not gibe with what they had been taught all their lives. Agnostus Dubiousus of Catholic Digest said, “Jesus is commonly known as ‘The Prince of Peace.’ The New Testament paints a very different picture of Our Savior than you do Gabriel.”

Gabriel, well-known for his short temper and propensity to reduce entire cities to smoking ruins at the slightest provocation, answered irritably “Look you talking monkey, do you believe everything you read in comic books? Every one of those essays and short stories was written by someone in a sagging skin suit just like you have on. I’m giving you the straight dope on what’s about to happen to you monkey-boys. It’s your choice whether you want to believe it or not. Remember, freedom of choice is what got us into all this mess to begin with!”

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Clyde spent his youth training with the Celestial Special Forces

Archangel Michael, who was also present, told reporters that the campaign will kick-off “sometime in the very near future.” For an angel this could mean anytime between tomorrow and when our sun burns out, so no one really knows when the Lamb of God will loose the rain of brimstone on our temporal heads. Michael did announce that the crusade will begin in Arizona, “to get rid of that abomination they call a senate,” and end up at Lucifer’s headquarters on earth: 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York.

Saint Benedict the Moor, Minister of Urban Culture, ended the press conference by saying, “I really don’t give you guys much of a chance considering what you are up against, but if you survive long enough you have to check out J.C. on his new J-Rex. He’s gonna be stylin’!”

Frustrated Arizona Senators Propose Legislation For Return To Rule By “Divine Right”

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PHOENIX-Republican state senators, frustrated by Governor Jan Brewer’s pragmatic veto of their bigoted anti-gay laws and desperate to stamp out societal progress in all its forms, are discussing proposals for legislation that would change the form of Arizona’s government. Yearning for the “good old days” of feudalistic society, the legislation would bring back a system where nobles (right wing politicians and bureaucrats in this case) and church officials would rule by divine fiat. The proposed laws would usher in a new “Dark Age” in Arizona and have been severely criticized by the more enlightened members of the legislature.

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The proposed legislation would bring back an improved and updated form of the Spanish Inquisition featuring “enhanced interrogation techniques” perfected by the Bush Administration

The legislative package is co-sponsored by Senator Phil Scrotum (R-Snaketown) and Senator Ralph Smegma (R-Bagdad), two politicians well-known for their reactionary views. The new system would allow the neo-nobility and representatives of the church to rule by “Divine Right.” The two groups would have weekly meetings and cooperate to issue edicts to the general population concerning all aspects of everyday life. The edicts would then be enforced by a huge contingent of armed thugs wearing stylish new uniforms adorned with symbols of the church.

“God hates fags and illegal immigrants,” said Senator Scrotum during a recent appearance on Glenn Beck’s radio program. “We can’t sit still for Brewer’s veto of our state-saving anti-gay legislation. She should not be governor anyway. It says quite clearly in the Bible that women are the ‘weaker vessel’ and should obey the men.”

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The new park in downtown Phoenix will be called “Chop Chop Square” and will feature toys and goodies for the kids and free books and short stories by Kafka and Dostoevsky for the adults

Senator Smegma, who was also on the show, said “Phil is right! God hates fags, illegal aliens, Injuns, drug users, poor people, black folks, liberals, climate scientists, evolutionary biologists, and just about everyone in the Pacific Northwest. He also wants women stay where they belong; at home raising the kids.” Senator Smegma seemed to lose his composure a bit at this point as he raised his voice and said “But most of all God hates Obamacare and MSNBC!”

An integral part of the new legislation involves instilling abject fear in the general population. “The good citizens of Arizona have to realize that we know what is best for them, and disobeying our commands will result in the most severe punishment. Therefore we intend to bring back public executions. We have plans to construct a new square in downtown Phoenix for just this purpose. It will feature refreshments for the kids and religious trinkets and reading material for the adults. We conducted an online poll and the consensus is that the guillotine would be the best method for dispatching evildoers and heretics,” said Senator Scrotum.

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Sheriff Joe Arpaio won the design contest for Arizona’s new guillotine

Glenn Beck was mightily impressed by the plans and expressed his enthusiasm several times during the broadcast. “I really think you guys are on the right track! Have you sought any guidance from fanatical religious scholars or historical revisionists like I do on occasion?”

“Yes,” said Senator Smegma. “We’ve made contact with high-ranking members of the Taliban to get advice, seeing as how our views on gay rights and equality for women coincide with theirs in so many ways. They’ve been a great help. We also have aides working with historians specializing in the study of the Old South plantation system. We want their input as well. We have great confidence that we can maintain and improve the tried and true ‘old white male’ power structure. The future for Arizona looks very bright indeed.”

The bulging package of legislative reform has been dubbed the “Scrotum-Smegma Bill” and is scheduled to come up for a vote early next month.

Editor Acquires Awesome New Jacket With Numerous Pockets And Zippers

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SANTA ROSA BEACH-Cretonia Times-Picayune editor and all around wonderful guy Jerry Dickerson has acquired a cool new “Steep Tech” jacket from The North Face via the fabulous folks at Backcountry.com. During a phone interview with our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker, Mr. Dickerson said that he will use the jacket on his summit bid on Mount Mediocrity later this spring.

Mt. Mediocrity is the highest point in Cretonia, towering a full 95 meters (312 feet) above mean sea level. (For our readers in Florida we are not saying that the sea is malevolent or parsimonious. Mean sea level is a datum representing the average height of the ocean’s surface and is used as a reference point for determining land elevation.) The mountain is considered one of the most dangerous in the southeast. It has been compared to K2 in level of difficulty, but a more apt comparison would probably be Mt. Suribachi in February of 1945. The slopes of the peak are littered with the corpses of climbers dating back as far as the mid 50’s. The mountain is considered too hazardous for teams to be sent in to recover the remains.

Mt. Mediocrity is considered treacherous and life threatening because of a series of deadly obstacles that any climber must conquer on the way to the summit. Unlike on K2 there are no multi-ton seracs waiting to crash down upon your head. However, a series of man-made (or more accurately cretin-made) horrors await the intrepid climber and threaten to deprive him of life and limb.

The only viable route up the mountain is via its north face and it is fraught with peril. First, one must make it through a gauntlet of brain-washed high school kids who come to Florida from all over the country to spend their spring break waiting to ambush the unwary with “come to Jesus or you will roast in hell for eternity” religious tracts. This terrifying prospect is usually enough to dissuade most adventurers, but it is only the beginning.

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Florida State Senator Bubba McDim from Panama City is the current record-holder thanks to a lightning-fast three-week ascent of the dangerous peak

Once through the rabid teenage zealots, one must successfully negotiate the Lake County Sheriff’s Department Sniper Training Facility, which is located at the base of the massif. Deputies trying out for the coveted sniper positions within the department are known for their propensity to waste prodigious quantities of ammo firing wildly at anything that moves. This is because the officers are allowed to take home any meat they kill to serve for supper. The skeletons of deer, raccoons, possums, and even stray dogs and cats make the landscape look like something out of a horror flick.

Next the audacious climber must pick his way through an EPA Superfund site consisting of dozens of burned-out trailers that were once thriving meth-labs. Hikers who have ventured into this area by mistake have returned to civilization with running sores all over their bodies and scorched lungs caused by exposure to harsh chemicals.

But perhaps the most mortifying of all the hurdles one faces on the climb is the trip through the satellite graveyard of the nearby Florida School for Boys located near the summit. Here the restless souls of hundreds of delinquent teenage boys, murdered by their guards in bygone days, wander around seeking vengeance and some kind of justice for the maltreatment they experienced in life. The bones of the dead rest in elevated graves made of logs and branches similar to the structures encountered by Robert Redford in the movie Jeremiah Johnson. This is the area where most climbers come to grief.

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Senator McDim’s wife Bertha does not like Dickerson’s chances. “That smart-ass liberal son of a bitch don’t stand a chance of beatin’ my Bubba’s record. He must be dreamin’ if he thinks he can clumb up ‘ere ‘at quick!”

Mr. Dickerson plans to make the ascent in what would be a record time of three days. The present record holder, Florida State Senator Bubba McDim of Panama City, took three weeks to make it to the summit in the spring of 2009. Once there he celebrated by planting the Confederate battle flag as a protest against the “first Muslim negra president of the United States.” If he survives the ascent Mr. Dickerson plans on replacing the Confederate banner with a flag combining the Greenpeace and PETA insignia on a background of the old Soviet hammer and sickle logo.

“I bought the jacket to wear as a shell as I make my final summit push,” said Mr. Dickerson. It is specially designed to keep out powder and the thing has all sorts of neat pockets on it where I can store essentials like my cellphone, Marlboro’s, and the latest copies of the Huffpost and Daily Kos that I intend to print-out before departure.” (Just what kind of powder Mr. Dickerson is referring to he did not specify.)

Although the ascent is considered almost suicidal by most members of the climbing world, if Dickerson makes it to the summit he will have no problem descending. The entire south face of the peak has been converted into a giant water-slide and cheap amusement park featuring tooth-rotting cotton candy, lukewarm draft beer, and a never-ending stream of hideous overweight women participating in wet t-shirt contests. All our editor will have to do is strip down to his Speedo and slide back to what passes for civilization here in Cretonia.

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune wish him the best of luck.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Deux)

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Always start the day by greeting family members with a list of mind-numbing mundane tasks before they even get a chance to drink their morning coffee. This gets the day started off on the right foot.

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If someone sets a partially consumed beverage or cup of coffee down and it remains unattended for more than a millisecond, snatch it up and put it in the dishwasher. Remember, open containers can attract insects.

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Always ask friends and family an unending list of rhetorical questions as a way of making conversation. People love this and crave spending what little time they have on earth restating the obvious

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Your house should at all times appear as if no one lives there. A real home should resemble a museum with static displays that are free from all dirt and microbes.

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Always try to elevate small problems or disagreements to level of the Cuban Missile Crisis. People love to argue and get stressed out over trivial things, and it will sharpen your debating skills. Afterwards, hold a grudge against them till hell freezes over.

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When in doubt about storage space or you simply don’t want to take the time to put things away, always throw away items even if they are of great value. This is particularly true if the items belong to someone else.

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Always point out the obvious to those around you as if they were five years old. Remember, you are the only one on the planet with a fully developed brain. When family or friends get irritated by this practice, be sure to get your feelings hurt and say, “Well, I was only trying to help.”

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Descend into a useless fugue state or hypnotic trance if anything out of the ordinary occurs to disrupt your daily routine of cleaning and organizing.

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Treat every glass of spilled milk or other small mishap as if it were an Asian tsunami. Take note of the perpetrator responsible and watch the person like a hawk for the rest of his life. Remember, there are no “accidents,” only premeditated carelessness.

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Once you have decided someone should do something, no matter how ridiculous the task is, never waver. Harass and nag the individual until his sanity is hanging by a thread. Remember, it’s always better to have a suicide in the home rather than a shirker

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Make a mental note of every loved one’s mistakes and miscues from early childhood to the present. Have the list ready to recite in case you get into an argument with the individual. People love to have old forgotten failures dredged up, particularly if they have no bearing on the problem at hand.

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Read dosage recommendations and warning labels on over-the-counter medications like an archeologist examining the Dead Sea Scrolls. Stick to the instructions as if your very life depended on it. Worry all night about some of the more obscure side-effects like the possibility sprouting an extra head

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If a family member is injured in the household or in the yard, remember that your first move is to protect your carpet and furniture. Medical help can wait. Remember, bloodstains are a pain in the ass to remove

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Steadfastly refuse any medical treatment that could change your miserable outlook on life or help family and friends maintain their sanity. Remember, seeking psychological help is for crazy people and is a sign of weakness

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Always treat wait staff as if they were vermin infesting your home and destroying your life. Most servers are slack-ass individuals who can’t find a real job and the rest are homosexual deviants who should be arrested. Leave a maximum 5% tip. You work hard for your money. Don’t waste it.

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If a relative or house-guest has the impertinence to nap or sleep in while you are vacuuming an area rug for the third time in one day, burst into the room like Kramer, flick on the lights and ask an idiotic question like, “Are you still asleep?”

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If you should happen to come across anyone smiling too much or having fun, do your best to squash it. Remember, life is a series of burdens to be borne. Spending time away from the normal drudgery of existence is dangerous and having fun is simply not worth the risk.

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Always get a treasured pet or neighborhood child to taste-test your food and beverages before consuming them. You never know when a loved one or friend has had enough of your shit

Management tip of the week: If you hire someone to do home repairs or work in your yard, stand over them in a threatening manner and stare at them like a zombie craving human flesh. People love this and will really want to come back to work for you again. They will probably charge you less because of it!

Tips For Bad Living are reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication of Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine

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Before frying foods on a gas range, always spread out a shitload of newspaper for easy cleanup after fire and ambulance crews have departed

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Always check the manufacturer’s date on every fucking item you purchase from chewing gum to bottled water

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Keep pets in a kennel from birth till death so they will not mess up the house

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Vacuum stove after every use

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Be sure to drain pool every evening and refill it every morning so the brats next door don’t break in and drown while you are trying to sleep

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Always triple-check the locks on every door and window in your home at least seven times before retiring each night. Remember, safety first!

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Never risk injury to yourself: you are far too important. Be sure to recruit your elderly parents or grandparents to complete hazardous tasks such as reorganizing seldom used cabinets

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Always hide porn in a place where kids can’t find it

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Worry about things that are you are unable to control

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Predict disastrous outcomes for every idea or project someone else comes up with

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Always try to control the thoughts and actions of those around you, especially loved ones. Remember, your opinion means more than everyone else’s put together

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Try to spend most of your adult life locked inside your home cleaning and scrubbing things that are already clean. Avoid uncontrolled environments like the out-of-doors. You can learn all you need to know about the world from Fox News

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Most importantly, be sure to always project a negative, pessimistic attitude and try to drag down those around you into a pit of despair

Management tip of the week: If you assign a chore to a family member and they complete it too quickly, assume they have done a poor job and criticize them mercilessly. If the relative completes the job too slowly, he is a lazy bastard and should be criticized with just as much venom. Remember, no one can do a job as well as you can, regardless of your lack of experience or expertise.

Tips For Bad Living are reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, Inc.

Couple New To Florida Not Happy With Cretinous Neighbors

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DEAR MILLIE is a trademarked feature of The Cretonia Times-Picayune

DEAR MILLIE: My husband and I relocated to the Florida panhandle from Portland, Oregon about two years ago. The area is nice enough and the climate and Gulf views are just superb. However, the native population is highly unusual in a variety of ways. After we moved in we were warmly welcomed by our new neighbors and were invited to several parties, which we of course attended.

We noticed a variety of odd things going on with these folks from the beginning, such as massive consumption of the cheapest beer available, an obsession with NASCAR, and an inability of any of these folks to hold down a job anywhere but Walmart or the local dog track. Their idea of culture is a wet t-shirt contest outside a condemned mobile home. Almost every family in our neighborhood has at least one relative in prison or on probation. Most disturbing of all however, is the almost universal hatred of all minorities and President Obama in particular. They constantly refer to him as “that Muslim negra.”

All of this goes on despite the almost ubiquitous presence of churches in the area. There seems to be a church on every corner. They come in a bewildering array of sects and species but none deviate from the basic southern Baptist theme of “do and say what you want except for one hour each Sunday.” We have tried to fit in by gaining a great deal of weight and subjecting ourselves to repeated blows to the head in order to reduce our IQ’s, but we are still uncomfortable with the culture here.  We have even thrown a few parties of our own to try to “fit-in.” We always invite the whole neighborhood over for beer and snacks, but invariably the sheriff’s department has to visit. After the events we have to clean up syringes and used condoms from every nook and cranny in the house. We also notice more and more of our belongings missing and we’re not really sure if it’s our guests or the cops that are taking them. Millie, can you help us? Please weigh in!

UNHAPPY IN PANAMA CITY

DEAR UNHAPPY: I’d love to weigh in. Firstly, you and your husband must have had some sort of mental defect already if you willingly moved from Portland into a quagmire of ignorance like Panama City. What’s up with that?

Secondly, better people than you and I have tried for decades to figure out what is wrong with Florida and its denizens. I am personally convinced that the mosquito-spray trucks down there are loaded with some type of nerve agent that stunts the growth of the prefrontal cortex and amygdala during early childhood development. This would explain some of the absolutely asinine behavior we see all across Greater Cretonia. Did you know that there is a yearly week-long debate in the Florida legislature over whether or not pet stores can dye Easter bunnies’ fur different colors? That’s of course just the tip of the iceberg.

Florida has long been a seething cauldron of vacuous imbecility in both politics and daily life. The culture there resembles some sort of malevolent vortex which sucks in every shred of intelligence and spits out archaic religious practices and preposterous governmental policies. My advice to you is to get the hell out of there while you can. If it is any consolation, the whole sordid mess will be covered with seawater in the not-to-distant future anyway. If you get out now you can at least save your investment. I hope this advice helps. Please don’t blow it.

Yours with sympathy,

MILLIE

Bill O’Reilly To Auction Off Prefrontal Cortex And Other Unused Personal Items

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NEW YORK-Fox News anchor and giant horse’s anus Bill O’Reilly announced on his show last night that he will be auctioning off various personal items each week on a new segment of his show entitled “Barfing Points.” All the proceeds for the items will be given to charity. The huge amounts garnered for each worthless article will be announced at maximum volume by the pompous ass himself so everyone will know of his selfless contributions to the unfortunate.

O’Reilly is set to kick-off the new segment early next week by auctioning off a pair of old socks and a worn-out bathrobe. The misogynistic curmudgeon told Fox’s racial sensitivity expert and egomaniac Megyn Kelly that he wanted to stick with items of interest to his core audience. Denture cream, Fleet enemas, adult diapers, and his own personal Hoveround top the list. As a special St. Patrick’s Day treat, O’Reilly plans to auction-off his prefrontal cortex and some other unused portions of his brain.

Later this year the megalomaniacal pundit plans to start auctioning off his household garbage to the highest bidder. “I generate a huge quantity of garbage, and I’m talking about at home, not all that twaddle you hear coming out of my mouth on the show. I know how much everyone loves and respects me, so I just figured that the things I no longer need, like empty Viagra bottles, could be bought and treasured by my fans. It’s all for a good cause. The greater glorification of yours truly, Mr. Bill O’Reilly, the living Son of God.