National Weather Service To Residents Of Birmingham: “You Are Absolutely Correct. We Are Unable To Locate Our Ass Even When Using Both Hands.”


BIRMINGHAM-As Birmingham, Alabama descends into utter chaos reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse in World War Z, residents of the city wonder why they were given little or no warning of the winter storm currently ravaging the area. Kids are stuck at school, adults stuck at work, and major highways are scenes of complete pandemonium as ice and snow paralyze travel. The “weather event” was predicted to begin much further south and give ample warning of its approach. That is not how it has worked out at all, much to the distress of the citizens of Jefferson County and at least one unfortunate Weather Channel employee.

Authorities are pleading for calm as scattered reports of violence are coming in from around the area. A local station in Birmingham is reporting that a Weather Channel field reporter was dragged from in front of a camera team and nailed to a large oak on a hill overlooking Interstate 65 just south of the city limits. Bobby Joe Smegma, a witness to the event, stated “One of those idiots from the Weather Channel was grinning and stating the obvious, like they always do, and a crowd of folks whose cars were stuck in the ice started to gather around. He was going on and on about how ‘no one knew this was coming’ and ‘look, it’s still coming down!’ and it was just too much for the crowd to take. People started to yell ‘lynch him!’ and he thought they were kidding. They were not kidding. Two big trucker dudes dragged the guy over to the tree and held him there while three pissed-off housewives nailed him in place. It was hilarious.”

Local governments in and around north Alabama find themselves in the unusual circumstance of being upstaged by their usually woefully incompetent counterparts 250 miles to the south, along the Gulf Coast. Schools are closed there and law enforcement entities are on high alert in preparation for the same storm that is expected to arrive there tonight. Always willing to lend a helping hand, Florida Governor Rick Scott has offered to send armored units of the Florida National Guard north into Alabama to clear the roads of vehicles and loitering pedestrians through the use of high explosive rounds and flame-throwing tanks. Scott has ordered Warthog ground-attack aircraft at Eglin Air Force Base to be armed with Vietnam-era napalm canisters to scorch the interstates free of ice if necessary. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has declined the offer for the time being.

For its part the National Weather Service and The Weather Channel have issued a joint communique begging the citizens of Alabama for understanding and forgiveness. “We are very sorry for any inconvenience our inability to do our job has caused. In the future we hope to do better and let you guys know a little bit ahead of time when Armageddon is about to come down on your heads.”

Both the Weather Service and The Weather Channel have displayed the correct amount of remorse given the situation. However, the traditional meteorological disaster toga party will go on as planned at Weather Channel Headquarters in Atlanta tonight. No doubt we will begin to see the inevitable results of this shindig four to five months from now when the female anchors start to show. The last major surprise blizzard to hit the south back in the early 90’s is credited with the production of seven zygotes at the Weather Channel alone.

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