TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott has declared martial law throughout Greater Cretonia after the National Weather Service predicted a slight drop in temperatures, some minor icing, and possible snow flurries in parts of northern Florida. Police and fire departments, hospitals, schools, and strip clubs are gearing up for the extreme conditions that are expected to arrive sometime Tuesday. National Guard troops, sheriff’s deputies, and local policemen have been put on high alert and warned that they may face extended duty for several weeks.
At an emotional press conference earlier today, a tearful Governor Scott stated “We Floridians intend to ‘Stand Our Ground’ against this cold front, and I just want our citizens to have a fighting chance to survive the crescendo of doom that is building in our state. Those of you who have been around a while will remember that the last time it snowed in northwest Florida there were a number of tragic deaths. Cretins emerging from their mobile homes were struck and killed by vehicular traffic as they stared skyward in bewilderment, and those who made desperate bids to replenish beer supplies ended up causing pile-ups from Mobile to Jacksonville.”
Scott continued, “I have initiated our DEATHSTORM 2014 governmental and corporate action plan. All liquor stores should make sure inventories are sufficient to supply those few Floridians that are gainfully employed, in addition to their regular customers. Gentlemen’s clubs should call in all off-duty dancers and make sleeping arrangements for the girls out back or in supply rooms. Every Wal-Mart Supercenter should be prepared for a veritable tsunami of the elderly seeking milk and bread, and every retail outlet in the state should make sure that their fleet of Hoverounds is at full charge.”
“As regards governmental preparedness, I have called out the National Guard and shifted those units with tracked vehicles to the north so as to better deal with the arctic conditions we expect at mid-week. I have also recalled approximately 50,000 of our over 300,000 probation officers and re-tasked them as snipers so that we’ll be ready to pick-off any looters trying to take advantage of this once in a lifetime meteorological event.”
Scott wiped a tear from his eye and concluded the press conference by saying, “With the help of God and your lovable and honest state and local officials, we can make it through this crisis. We Floridians know what it’s like to endure hardship because we subject ourselves to it every day. Hurricane Andrew, the Challenger disaster, the 2000 presidential election, our lousy schools and archaic legal system, all of these things have toughened us up and prepared us for this approaching cataclysm. God bless you and God bless the state of Florida!”